Bad ju-ju and an incredibly bad travel day

Where do I even start to describe the hell that was my return trip from South Africa. Maybe to start by saying that everything you will read here is both absolutely the truth and not an exaggeration. I know parts of this might get to be in the incredulous stage but I promise in the words of a famous political comedian, ‘you can’t make this shit up’.

It started out well enough with my ride meeting me right on time and flying through traffic to get me to the airport in Jburg. No problem checking in, in fact my flight that according to my travel service said was sold out had over 100 open seats. Lucky enough I was in a row of 4 with the only two seats being occupied were on either end. So I got to stretch out over two seats, how great is that for an 11 hour flight. Of course our flight was delayed because this no name soccer team ended up being on the plane and of course everyone wanted their autograph. Yes Manchester United was on the plane occupying all of first and business cabins. They could not get people to sit down to actually allow the plane to take off, and yes keep in mind 11 hours is a lot of time to take autographs. I was able to fitfully sleep through part of the flight so absolutely no complaints. Land in London and have literally 60 minutes to make it to my next flight to Chicago due to the delay in taking off. But due to this crap soccer team (who by the way lost their game in South Africa) they made everyone stay on the plane until they all exited the plane and jet way, I ask you is this really necessary? They are just a couple of athletes, people get over it! Anyway on with the story, best parts are yet to come. (Time check: 15 hours since last shower, 28 hours since last touch of a real bed)

So I run through Heathrow airport (passing the soccer team anyway who is being held as a group to talk to the gate agent about their next plane), have to go through a second round of security for all US based flights which had a crazy full line. Fully 30 minutes to get through that line, run for a bus to take to next terminal, and a full run through the terminal to get to the gate to find out they have that flight on a delay. Oye. We finally board the plane and I have a wonderful seat in first class due to an oversold situation and a need to upgrade me. Besides being bathed in sweat from the run, being in first is not bad at all. We taxi to take off, and of course we end up having a mechanical directly before take-off and have to come back to get it fixed. All told an hour and half delay in London. Uneventful flight over the ocean into Chicago except for having some great food and some very friendly flight attendants. Landing in Chicago I now have exactly 65 minutes to get through passport control, claim my luggage, go through immigration, recheck luggage, and get on a plane to SF. Being in first class I fly through passport control being in the front of the line, but now need to wait for my checked luggage (keep in mind I have been traveling for almost 3 straight weeks). I kid you not mine is the LAST bag off the plane and I soon realize why. The bag is wide open having been slit open on both sides with the top flapped over. Clothes are literally hanging out and some even on the carrousel. “You have got to be kidding me!” I stuff what is left (about half is missing) and run through passport control to re-check it. Huge line of people waiting to do the same, ok I am tired and now have literally 15 minutes before my flight leaves. I skip the line and toss it to a ticket agent to just deal with (hey flying 130,000 miles a year and on a full fare business ticket should have some benefits). I run out of there, get into a train to take me to domestic terminals, run through another security line, run underground to a connecting terminal to finally get to my gate and yup, left 10 minutes earlier. I think the proper phrase at this point is Damn! (Time check: 24 hours since last shower, 37 hours since last touch of a real bed)

So I go into the red carpet club to get them to rebook me. Keep in mind it is now 11 am local time. Turns out that United seems to have quite a few full flights in fact given their hourly flights to San Francisco they can not get me confirmed until a 7pm flight. But I was welcome to standby for the hourly flights because my name would be very high on the list. So I spend the next 4 hours walking between gates trying for each hourly flight. The 4:00 flight they actually had a middle seat in the back which I gladly took, got on the plane sat down pulled all my stuff out and got settled, only to have the gate agent come onto the plane and pull me off because they miscounted and now need that seat. Do you realize how embarrassing it is to be pulled off plane (plus having to carry all the things you just took out of your bag). At this point I call over a service director as I have lost all patience. He comes over, I get halfway through the explanation and then just stop. What can he do? What is this going to accomplish? Nothing to change, so mid-sentence I turn around and walk away. Choosing to forget about the next couple of flights I return to the red carpet club to take a shower and try to scratch off some of this wonderful body odor that is offending even me after all this exertion and activities. Not that I have a change of clothes but the shower feels unbelievable. By the way this is probably too much information for many of you, but those who might fall into my situation, FYI: boxers can be flipped inside out, and you are good to go with clean clothes. The little sock booties that they hand out on flights become my new socks, and a quick hair dryer to the shirt and we are good to go. Finally get on my 7pm flight to San Francisco, thank goodness. But the story is not quite done. (Time Check: 3 hours since last shower, 45 hours since last touch of a real bed)

A short 4 and half hour flight over to SFO and I am finally back home, well almost. By the way at this point airline food, even first class food is starting to look very non-appetizing. I land and all I want to do is get my damn bag, get home, get out of these clothes and go to bed. I go down to baggage claim and wait in line for 30 minutes to get my bag which is locked up behind the counter (arrived on an earlier flight significantly earlier). Get to the front of the line and oops they tell me my bag is at their auxiliary baggage office on the other end of the baggage claim, please go over there. Get over there and wait another 20 minutes for that line. Keep in mind at this point as much as I am an eternally cheerful person I am ready to just lose it. I am probably a little curt when I say, “I need 3 things from you, need my bag, I need to file a claim for damage to bad, I need to file claim for lost goods, thank you” She gives me this incredulous look and doesn’t say a word. She brings my bag, which is inside of a plastic bag and just hands it to me. I then ask about steps two and three. She says they are not responsible for zippers breaking or any consequences derived there from. On closer inspection it turns out that the seems along the entire zipper was forced apart. This was clearly not done by accident as this was not a few inches but literally 3 ft of zipper all ripped open and frankly this is a top of the line bag only a few months old. She just looks at me with a straight face and says there is nothing she can do, recommends I buy a new bag, and have a nice night. Takes me a minute to respond and then I ask for a supervisor, turns out she is a supervisor. I just stand there for a minute staring at her incredulously before I am fed up. I am pissed, I am tired, I smell, and damn it I am sick of all this! I slam my clothes back into the plastic bag and declare that this is how an airline treats a customer who flights an average of 130,000 miles on their fucking airline? She immediately interrupts me.

“Are you a 1k status holder? (the highest level of mileage plus).”

“Of course I am.”

“Well wait that changes everything. You of course know there is two airline policies one for the rest of the world and one for our 1k members. I will process your claim right away”

Now frankly I don’t even know how to react. Thankful as a valuable customer that they finally know how to treat me or sad for everyone else in line who is going to get no love because they are not 1k. She process my claim and I finally leave the airport at 11pm, drive home and land at my door at 11:45pm (Time check: 10 hours since last shower although 34 hours in same set of clothes and 52 hours since last in a real bed). You know I thought due to good deeds I would have some good karma built-up? Apparently not, but hey as lots of people have told me, you have a hell of a story to tell.

Guess what? I had no trouble sleeping last night despite time change.