Crashing!

Does anyone else hear this roaring that is all around me. I can’t hear my radio, I can’t hear the TV, I can’t hear my phone. It is like a thousand mosquitoes all around my head. I spoke too soon yesterday when I wrote what I wrote and thought what I thought. I was on a the rise of a ride that could only go down. My hands are shaking as I struggle to type this. For 6 weeks I have gotten closer and closer to someone who I can honestly say I love. Please don’t judge and say I too young to understand that word, please don’t be that judgmental. Ana could see right through me and read me like a book. There was nothing that was hidden from her. She made me feel like a child. I would dance a jig in the middle of the street or just skip through a festival with, I was on cloud nine. So many people think of me as always being serious, but she brought out the best in me and I loved her for it. She was with me with some of the most horrible times these past few weeks with Ben, and she always knew what to say and how to say it. She became someone who I always thought about, and even more often called.

Tonight as you can guess we had to meet to ‘talk’. What hurts the most is she feels the exact same about me, it turns out it is religion. Yes I know before I said she was Jewish, well that is not all there is to it. She is half Jewish, half Christian and you can guess which side she falls more into apparently. Well her faith means as much to her as mine does to me. Growing up in a family that got split because of religion she swore to herself she would never do the same. Why this didn’t come about earlier, well she always swore she would end it before each date, and never did. Now I can’t stop thinking about her.

Just when I pull over and can’t seem to drive any further for fear of being unable to control my vehicle she calls me. I almost don’t pick up, I don’t want to talk to her right now, I don’t think I could take it. But I do. She is in tears, her cousin just died. Her cousin, husband to a wife, father to a 2 and 4 year old. He died of an electrocution accident in a house he is restoring. I turn around race back to her and be with her until her roommate can get to her to pick Ana up to bring her to her parents. As I sit there on the side of the road completely emotionally drained, I know I have lots to be thankful for. That my family is all healthy and going strong (I love you all more than I could possibly express here), and I have some of the most amazing friends. But yet I am also so incredibly hurt. I just… I don’t know…. I can’t stop the roaring all around me. She brought out the best in me, she made me feel like I didn’t have to act, I could be me. Every Disney loving, SUV driving, adrenalin medic running, child like person that I know I am. She knew it, and loved me back for it.