A series of speed bumps

When you try to define a bad day do you think of it as a single event or a series of small sometimes insignificant events all adding up to make for just a ‘fabulous’ day? Seems like my whole week is like that. I am a very up-beat person and obnoxiously cheerful and definitely a morning person (much to everyone’s chagrin around me). And just I seem to be a half-step off from everything these past few days. Catching up with friends is fun but I find myself much more enjoying listening to them tell me about their day then ever wanting to talk about mine.

Went to a co-worker’s baby shower yesterday (a first for me) and although I am absolutely thrilled for them as I think they will be great parents, I just felt somehow not quite with it. They played apparently common games such as guess the width of the mom, yes I was off by almost 14 inches (don’t worry husband was off by more). Then of course making the cutest playdough baby, which was greatly amusing to see the creativity but lack of artistic talent in some, myself first and foremost. But then it was time for me to skedaddle out of there.

Part of this I know is because of Ben. We are now simply waiting for the inevitable to come any day, and I don’t know which is worse knowing it is coming, or the fact we are waiting for it. Life just does not seem fair, and I keep trying to tell myself there is some greater plan but my heart does not listen to my brain. I find I sit in meetings and for 30 minutes or so I will not hear anything that was said as my mind wanders over Lennox Court where a little boy is playing with Pokemon cards with his parents, grandparents, and brother. I feel like I am holding my breath and getting lightheaded.

But in my mind I keep hearing Camus say: “Only in the deepest winter did I learn within me lay an eternal summer.”