What’s mine is yours, but is it the same?

Since moving to CA many of you know that I have been privileged enough to go out with some unbelievable women. Women who have opened up part of their lives to me as I have tried to open myself to them. Many of them of them have children from earlier relationships, kids I have met, played with, and developed my own relationships with. These moms have made unbelievable sacrifices for their kids and having just the most impressive personalities to support the lifestyle of being a single mom. But that is not the purpose of this entry.

I always knew when I grew up that I wanted a family. How many times growing up would I throw in my parents face then when I have kids I wouldn’t do this to them! So I knew that someday I would have a family. But someone asked me an interesting question the other day, does it make a difference if they are your kids or kids through marriage? You know that threw me for a loop, because I don’t think I ever really thought about it. A good friend and colleague of mine has been in a relationship for a number of years, and his girl friend brought a teenager to that relationship. Since they live together he treats her as his own child, but there is always this line where mom has the final say, because after all it is her child. He has an idea of how he wants to parent, and even though they talk about it, it is not an even discussion, she gets final say. So in that case yes I would absolutely say it matters.

But then I have another friend (no I really don’t have that many friends, it just seems that way), and he went into a relationship very similar to the one mentioned above, but the daughter was very young. Once they got married it was truly like his daughter as well, and talking to him, he says that there are reminders when the biological father comes by and that gives pause, otherwise feels like his own daughter.

Its an interesting question because of course the real question is the person you are forming that relationship with (not the child) are they worth it. We meet and create relationships with so many people throughout our lives. Some last over the decades (thanks NP, CF, KK, and others) while others lightly float away only to be reminded of during quiet drinks or heavy reflection. But the ones, oh those ones that flip your heart every time you utter their name, or see their face, those are the ones. For those of you who have married that person, mazel tov. For all others, may we all be so lucky. So when you figure the answer to that question, does the source of that family really matter, or is it the family itself that is key.