Bad ju-ju and an incredibly bad travel day

Where do I even start to describe the hell that was my return trip from South Africa. Maybe to start by saying that everything you will read here is both absolutely the truth and not an exaggeration. I know parts of this might get to be in the incredulous stage but I promise in the words of a famous political comedian, ‘you can’t make this shit up’.

It started out well enough with my ride meeting me right on time and flying through traffic to get me to the airport in Jburg. No problem checking in, in fact my flight that according to my travel service said was sold out had over 100 open seats. Lucky enough I was in a row of 4 with the only two seats being occupied were on either end. So I got to stretch out over two seats, how great is that for an 11 hour flight. Of course our flight was delayed because this no name soccer team ended up being on the plane and of course everyone wanted their autograph. Yes Manchester United was on the plane occupying all of first and business cabins. They could not get people to sit down to actually allow the plane to take off, and yes keep in mind 11 hours is a lot of time to take autographs. I was able to fitfully sleep through part of the flight so absolutely no complaints. Land in London and have literally 60 minutes to make it to my next flight to Chicago due to the delay in taking off. But due to this crap soccer team (who by the way lost their game in South Africa) they made everyone stay on the plane until they all exited the plane and jet way, I ask you is this really necessary? They are just a couple of athletes, people get over it! Anyway on with the story, best parts are yet to come. (Time check: 15 hours since last shower, 28 hours since last touch of a real bed)

So I run through Heathrow airport (passing the soccer team anyway who is being held as a group to talk to the gate agent about their next plane), have to go through a second round of security for all US based flights which had a crazy full line. Fully 30 minutes to get through that line, run for a bus to take to next terminal, and a full run through the terminal to get to the gate to find out they have that flight on a delay. Oye. We finally board the plane and I have a wonderful seat in first class due to an oversold situation and a need to upgrade me. Besides being bathed in sweat from the run, being in first is not bad at all. We taxi to take off, and of course we end up having a mechanical directly before take-off and have to come back to get it fixed. All told an hour and half delay in London. Uneventful flight over the ocean into Chicago except for having some great food and some very friendly flight attendants. Landing in Chicago I now have exactly 65 minutes to get through passport control, claim my luggage, go through immigration, recheck luggage, and get on a plane to SF. Being in first class I fly through passport control being in the front of the line, but now need to wait for my checked luggage (keep in mind I have been traveling for almost 3 straight weeks). I kid you not mine is the LAST bag off the plane and I soon realize why. The bag is wide open having been slit open on both sides with the top flapped over. Clothes are literally hanging out and some even on the carrousel. “You have got to be kidding me!” I stuff what is left (about half is missing) and run through passport control to re-check it. Huge line of people waiting to do the same, ok I am tired and now have literally 15 minutes before my flight leaves. I skip the line and toss it to a ticket agent to just deal with (hey flying 130,000 miles a year and on a full fare business ticket should have some benefits). I run out of there, get into a train to take me to domestic terminals, run through another security line, run underground to a connecting terminal to finally get to my gate and yup, left 10 minutes earlier. I think the proper phrase at this point is Damn! (Time check: 24 hours since last shower, 37 hours since last touch of a real bed)

So I go into the red carpet club to get them to rebook me. Keep in mind it is now 11 am local time. Turns out that United seems to have quite a few full flights in fact given their hourly flights to San Francisco they can not get me confirmed until a 7pm flight. But I was welcome to standby for the hourly flights because my name would be very high on the list. So I spend the next 4 hours walking between gates trying for each hourly flight. The 4:00 flight they actually had a middle seat in the back which I gladly took, got on the plane sat down pulled all my stuff out and got settled, only to have the gate agent come onto the plane and pull me off because they miscounted and now need that seat. Do you realize how embarrassing it is to be pulled off plane (plus having to carry all the things you just took out of your bag). At this point I call over a service director as I have lost all patience. He comes over, I get halfway through the explanation and then just stop. What can he do? What is this going to accomplish? Nothing to change, so mid-sentence I turn around and walk away. Choosing to forget about the next couple of flights I return to the red carpet club to take a shower and try to scratch off some of this wonderful body odor that is offending even me after all this exertion and activities. Not that I have a change of clothes but the shower feels unbelievable. By the way this is probably too much information for many of you, but those who might fall into my situation, FYI: boxers can be flipped inside out, and you are good to go with clean clothes. The little sock booties that they hand out on flights become my new socks, and a quick hair dryer to the shirt and we are good to go. Finally get on my 7pm flight to San Francisco, thank goodness. But the story is not quite done. (Time Check: 3 hours since last shower, 45 hours since last touch of a real bed)

A short 4 and half hour flight over to SFO and I am finally back home, well almost. By the way at this point airline food, even first class food is starting to look very non-appetizing. I land and all I want to do is get my damn bag, get home, get out of these clothes and go to bed. I go down to baggage claim and wait in line for 30 minutes to get my bag which is locked up behind the counter (arrived on an earlier flight significantly earlier). Get to the front of the line and oops they tell me my bag is at their auxiliary baggage office on the other end of the baggage claim, please go over there. Get over there and wait another 20 minutes for that line. Keep in mind at this point as much as I am an eternally cheerful person I am ready to just lose it. I am probably a little curt when I say, “I need 3 things from you, need my bag, I need to file a claim for damage to bad, I need to file claim for lost goods, thank you” She gives me this incredulous look and doesn’t say a word. She brings my bag, which is inside of a plastic bag and just hands it to me. I then ask about steps two and three. She says they are not responsible for zippers breaking or any consequences derived there from. On closer inspection it turns out that the seems along the entire zipper was forced apart. This was clearly not done by accident as this was not a few inches but literally 3 ft of zipper all ripped open and frankly this is a top of the line bag only a few months old. She just looks at me with a straight face and says there is nothing she can do, recommends I buy a new bag, and have a nice night. Takes me a minute to respond and then I ask for a supervisor, turns out she is a supervisor. I just stand there for a minute staring at her incredulously before I am fed up. I am pissed, I am tired, I smell, and damn it I am sick of all this! I slam my clothes back into the plastic bag and declare that this is how an airline treats a customer who flights an average of 130,000 miles on their fucking airline? She immediately interrupts me.

“Are you a 1k status holder? (the highest level of mileage plus).”

“Of course I am.”

“Well wait that changes everything. You of course know there is two airline policies one for the rest of the world and one for our 1k members. I will process your claim right away”

Now frankly I don’t even know how to react. Thankful as a valuable customer that they finally know how to treat me or sad for everyone else in line who is going to get no love because they are not 1k. She process my claim and I finally leave the airport at 11pm, drive home and land at my door at 11:45pm (Time check: 10 hours since last shower although 34 hours in same set of clothes and 52 hours since last in a real bed). You know I thought due to good deeds I would have some good karma built-up? Apparently not, but hey as lots of people have told me, you have a hell of a story to tell.

Guess what? I had no trouble sleeping last night despite time change.

Lunch served along the road for those who are brave at heart and stell of stomach. 

Maybe a little close to home, but a couple of kids playing at the Apartheid museum shaking hands with one of the tourists. 

"And we emerge from the darkness of the inferno to face the stars of another day" Dante. 

His only job to pose for pictures in front of his candle.  

A very small elevator shooting straight down. 

A remnant of the air shaft from the mine with a slice of the theme park. 

A view of the shanty town from atop the hill. The sheer size is barely represented.  

A paradoxical country

Today was my day, a day where I could venture out into the city and see what this city is besides a couple of offices and taxis. With my trusted driver we made our way out first thing in the morning off to one of the 15 most productive gold mines worldwide in history. It was shut down in the 70s and has been turned into a tourist attraction for those that would like to venture just under a kilometer down under the earth’s surface, or for those of you in the US, just over a half a mile straight down. This city that was founded on the desire for easy money has turned a rusted old mine into a capitalization. A theme park, one of the largest in the county, combines with a huge casino has resurrected around the mine. In fact to gain access to the mine for the tour you actually have to pay entrance fee into the theme park. Pictures that are being shown in the blog actually show the disparity between old world and new world. This mine used to hold as many as 30,000 workers at any given time and ran at full capacity at a depth of 10,000 ft, about a third of the height a plane travels at. I am sure these numbers just blow by, but when you get into that steel elevator that lurches straight down for minutes getting progressively hotter and hotter well it starts to become more real.

In my group that traversed into the depths of the mine were 8 US school teachers. Yes your tax dollars at work sent approximately 22 world history middle school and high school teachers to an emersion program for 6 weeks to learn a little more on the subjects they teach. There are some real benefits to some of our social programs, it was just ironic I find out about them on the other side of the world. Following my tour of the mine I took a short walk over to the apartheid museum. To try and describe what you see in the museum would be to try and describe any museum detailing the history of any atrocity ranging from holocausts to genocide. People left the museum emotional and distraught, I guess that is the purpose of these museums.

The paradox emerges when you see in the museum pictures of massive ghettos designed to be simply for colored citizens. They were over crowded, and full of disease and filth. On the way back from Gold Reef City which included the mine, the casino and a huge theme park, we passed through one of the largest shanty towns. Such squalor and filth can only be imagines but when the scope is literally square miles it becomes unimaginable. The sight of such is enough to take your breadth away and question what could possibly be done to repair a system that has gone so far wrong. AIDS that is so rampant (we passed three funerals just going to the mine) and although numbers are not fully understood they estimate up to 35% of the country is afflicted. In a couple of major cities they estimate almost 25% of the population will be dead by the year 2010, the same year the WorldCup will be in South Africa. It does not help when the president states that AIDS is caused by poverty and not by sex. Sure it affects more in the poverty stricken regions but are we not sending the wrong message? My driver was not hopeful to the chances of a country that will see much death in the coming years.

And yet I return to my five star hotel with the high walls, beautiful courtyard with goldfish in ponds surrounding the pool and feel a profound sense of guilt. Maybe helping the economy can help those afflicted, and maybe we are simply fooling ourselves. In a few hours I will be on a plane in a comfortable seat drinking wine and afterwards back to my comfortable life in the states. I have much more respect for my sister than ever who lives to help.

VIPs at the hotel

Don’t you just love when every employee at the hotel knows your name? Where no matter where you walk someone is asking if they can get you something? Maybe I would like a water, maybe a cappuccino, how about some chocolate? Yes I think this sounds nice but alas it is not my story to tell. My hotel is hosting some super secret secure group on three entire floors, but of course keeping a secret at a hotel is as realistic as keeping a series of layoffs in a major company. So I find out that Manchester United has taken over my hotel. Now for those readers from the US (I think 100% of my 4 readers), Manchester United is one of the leading soccer teams in Europe. They have a fan base around the world and have a very colorful group of athletes. Periodically through breakfast we see individuals walk through the lobby who seem to receive a bit of extra special attention from every employee, not to mention guests asking for autographs. If I knew who they were I might have asked the same, alas a clueless American.

Nearing the end of my stay here in South Africa (to my manager that is south AFRICA not south AMERICA). I have successfully seen the hotel room, customer offices and taxis, not a whole lot of time to see anything else. Today however we take a car ride to Victoria about an hour away from J-burg. Maybe some interesting stories to tell?

Alas no stories to tell, I know my life is not as interesting as I hoped it to be, but maybe some interesting tidbits upon my return.

Roadside garage and tire shop. 

A shanty town flea market. 

View from my room over the veranda and pool, a serious contrast. 

React, over react, over apologize

Yesterday I pondered the level of diversity in South Africa and how the healing process has continued. Today I have discovered the answer and I was very surprised. Keep in mind that over 12 years ago this country had to shake itself from a series of government that was clearly prejudicial and kept an entire race artificially down. Education, jobs, and housing were all reserve for the elite class. Now those former people are called PDIs or Previously Discriminated Individuals. To rectify the errors of the past ALL companies in South Africa had to have 75% of management at all levels to be staffed by PDIs. Now while in theory this sounds like a great way to equalize the classes and rights and wrongs from the past but consider the fact you now have an entire generation of under trained and under educated individuals that are artificially placed in senior positions. These individuals in many situations are not able to do the positions to the level of excellence required in fact many of them struggle with basic aspects of their job, or so we heard. Many people think this would have been much more effective as a sliding scale where over time they increase requirements but of course that would not appease the emotions at the time and thus to many an overreaction was in order. Thus there is now a huge amount of bitterness when companies that used to be very effective and profitable having taken huge steps backwards as top performers who happen to be white are replaced with outside individuals some of whom have never worked in the industry or in any professional job. Clearly there is bitterness from the PDIs for the past and now extreme bitterness of the whites who are just trying to live their own life.

Also an interesting observation is the huge shanty towns that have been erected inside J-burg as Johannesburg is referred to locally. These shanty towns are approximately 80% immigrants from other African countries here due to the large number of jobs and approximately 20% locals. The interesting thing is that everything in these shanty towns are completely provided by the government including food, healthcare, and all other social services. The government has taken land from farmers (at sub market rates) and built low income housing that can be purchased using interest free loans available to all, but a majority sit empty because once they move into these units they no longer qualify for all the social services. A self perpetuating cycle that is very sad to see especially given the unbelievable size and scale of these areas.

On a slightly more positive observation, my hotel is directly next to a major casino. We went inside for a quick dinner last night and it is amazing how similar this casino is compared to Vegas. The same sky looking ceiling, shops and stores. One could imagine we just walked into the Venetian and not tens of thousands of miles away in South Africa. Another interesting aspect is huge billboards encouraging citizens to help support a better South Africa by actually paying their taxes. We might look at this and laugh for who among us can afford to simply not pay taxes but apparently quite common out here especially since it is very hard to prosecute or even find those that evade. Thus if you get a ticket for speeding, you actually go to jail and see the judge that day to decide sentence or fine. Simply they can’t afford to give a ticket that may or may not be paid as they can not execute as effectively on warrants. This makes you immediately think of crime, which is why every home and business has massive 10 foot fences with brand new looking barbed wire and menacing signs identifying these premises guarded and secured by armed guards. The scary thing is this is not bluster, armed guards at all private establishments. Like the past this country is still a country filled with polar opposites of the haves and the have nots. This is not something that will change overnight and looking at the United States as an example of deep seeded bitterness not something that will change in decades but rather entire generations.

More observations as the trip continues.

Infinite Smallness

As I was sitting in Frankfurt airport in Germany watching members of virtually every country, race, creed and color I am struck by how unbelievably small this world is. I don’t know about others but personally I feel that so many things that happen in the world see so far away. Middle East, Asia, Africa places I look up on maps and see as a whole world away, is only a flight away. These planes, it is remarkable to think we have not had more worldwide epidemics, we share the same air and the same germs. We are so much more tightly integrated and mixed than sometimes we let ourselves believe.

So with a total of 42 straight hours of travel I landed in beautiful Johannesburg, South Africa. You will all be pleased to know that not a single event happened on my flight down although I must confess the entertainment systems on South African airlines was fantastic. Every seat had its own tv with a hard drive filled with a dozen movies, TV shows, and interactive games. One needed only to select their choice at any time and enjoy personalized entertainment for the entire 10 hour flight. The even took it one step further and added webcams to the tail wing overlooking the entire top of the plane, a nose cam and a downward facing cam that anyone could watch from their seats to see scenery even if the window shades are pulled or they are stuck in the middle sections. Truly redefining a new way of entertaining people while stuck in a silver tube for 10+ straight hours. Maybe I was only a little bitter when I had the distinct joy of sitting next to a 300+ pound individual who squeezed into a middle seat. Unfortunately the arm rest would not rest, in fact it was stuck to his stomach and rose and fell with each breath he took. His legs would physically not fit in the aisle between rows and thus he had to sit spread eagle shoving a foot to each side brutally intruding on the precious foot space of his neighbors. But to top it off this fine gentleman snored through much of the night, only stopping to go to the bathroom at the perfect moment when I had just drifted off to a pleasant sleep. Lest you think I am complaining I am writing this entry from a wonderful Intercontinental hotel in South Africa. How many times in my life am I going to be able to say that? I am lucky and privileged and maybe only a little bit tired.

But I have to confess I do feel slightly ill-at ease. South Africa has a pretty intense history over the past couple of decades with wounds that do not heal easily. So I feel more than slightly uncomfortable when I see nothing but blacks behind the counter and the only white employee being the manager. I find it to be more than a little unsettling when I walk down the slightly narrow hallways of the hotel than any black employee will hug the wall with their face flat against that same wall to allow me to pass. Maybe I am just more sensitive because I do not live here, but coming from the US where race is a major issue although it has become more of an undercurrent than a major conversation topic. I look forward to spending my next few days as I travel around the city giving talks to see what it looks like outside the 5 star hotels and restaurants even though I am sure my hosts will be taking me to protected areas, I wonder how much bad blood still exists.

As for me, I am about to hit dinner and then collapse in much needed sleep. I was thankfully able to shower in Frankfurt airport (a luxury my frequent flyer status provided) but nothing can compare to a clean, quiet, smoke free bed tonight. More on this to follow including pictures.

A quiet time at 30000 ft in a restroom with another

Alas this is not a sexual escapade although I think that would be slightly more agreeably and tasteful, rather this is yet another medical on yet another plane. Many readers have asked what it is like to have a medical emergency at 34,000 ft in a plane traveling over water for the next 8 hours. I will try to reenact this just as it happened if you are not interested you might just want to skip down to the bottom of this entry (look for the line of stars).

It begins with a typical overnight international flight that will last a total of 8 hours from Washington Dulles to Frankfurt Germany. On these overnight flights I tend to identify myself to the chief purser for reasons that will be revealed later. A quick meal upon boarding the flight, then reclining in a very comfortable business seat, eye mask covers the eyes, ear plugs deeply inserted into both ear canals, and a soft blanket perfectly positioned. Having been up now for close to 21 hours I quickly fall into a deep if not slightly fitful sleep. I am awoken after seemingly minutes asleep where in actuality it was a couple of hours, by a slightly hesitant tapping on my shoulder. I remove my eye shades to see one of the stewardesses apologetically waking me up from a very deep sleep. She simply says that they need me, will I follow her. Rubbing the sleep from my eyes, I follow her down the darkened plane, pulling my medical ID from my wallet while listening to her briefing. “Passenger was found passed out between the bathrooms, vomited blood prior to discovery.” I arrive at the middle lavatories to find all the flight attendants and several passengers all crowding the narrow hallway of four bathrooms. I quickly start to excuse people and guide my way to the front. I find a relatively senior woman sitting on the toilet in the bathroom that must measure a total of 3 ft wide and 4 ft long. Red poignant smelling vomit sloshes around the floor of the lavatory with each movement of the plane. Each flight attendant asks what they do before I have even reached the patient. Another passenger identifies himself to me as an out of practice EMT. I drop to my knees trying at all costs from coating my pants in that most painful of smelling liquids swirling around my socked feet. People are reaching all around me trying to hand things to the patient, talk to the patient, and clean up the floor. Keeping in mind of course that the entire space is approximately the size of a small closet clearly not optimal working surroundings. Slowly backing everyone up we find that the red in the vomitous liquid is red wine, not blood however patient is in full body shakes and clearly disoriented. A full medical treatment ensues including a full workup, oxygen therapy and a very dicey move to an adjoining restroom which smells only slightly less hellish. Keep in mind the entire time my work space next to the bathroom measures 3 ft by the length of my reach that houses the AED, two full EEMK (extended medical kits), towels and blankets, haz mat bags, water bottles, oxygen bottles, clip board with my notes and of course the not so occasional flight attendant carefully stepping over everything to inquiry as to status. Over the next 60-75 minutes we get the situation in hand and patient returns to normal state. Causes are probably a mixture between travel stress and lack of eating for 2 days. We finally return the patient back to their coach seat to allow for the next 20 minutes of paperwork on all treatment performed and conjectures of cause. Finally almost an hour and a half after that hesitant shake on the shoulder I thankfully drop back into my seat hopeful to go back to sleep. Within 5 minutes I am back in my fitful sleep somehow with a blanket gracefully draped over me and a small flower next to my seat. Never a dull moment and even more stressful when the pilot comes out and asks if we need to make emergency landing, keeping in mind that would delay flight by several hours if not longer. You will be happy to know patient is doing quite well for the remainder of the flight.

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The previous week I have been in Baltimore for a full week conference with some of our most important customers. One of these customers in a previous trip had inquired if I would be interested in being set up with his single daughter. Keep in mind this previous trip had literally been 7 months previously, but he has a fantastic memory and had exchanged emails with me previous to this trip inquiring if I was still interested. Keep in mind this is a very tough position, upset the daughter and run the risk of upsetting the customer. Deny the daughter and run the risk of insulting customer. On the other hand a fun evening out is not something to be lightly turned down. However to soften it slightly I end up bringing a co-worker who would then align with her roommate to turn the mood to a more casual and less stressful environment. The evening when well with the conversation meandering through a variety of topics, one of particular interest in this story is of myspace. Now myspace, for those that are not in the know, is a web community where people can talk to friends and strangers all the while sharing personal information and pictures. We talked about our individual sites and just as quickly moved on to new topics. Well the next day I decide to look up her myspace just for giggles. After mere minutes of searching I indeed find the site and am surprised to find comments between her and her roommate ( I am guessing yelling across family room is so old fashion) concerning our double date. The comment from her roommate said something to the equivalent of, ‘If I do this, you so owe me, we better not have to pay. If it starts going really wrong we need to have a code word, how about Donkey-Punch” Now don’t ask me where donkey punch comes from, however thankfully it did not come in conversation. Well never one to miss an opportunity I immediately text message the date from the previous night with simply Donkey Punch. The response? “Oh fuckkkk!” I translate this to be a proclamation of despair rather than a proposition of physical activities. Both she and her friend apologizes profusely while I try to explain I found it humorous and not to worry about it. All told it was an enjoyable evening and even better humor the following day.

So now I sit in the Red Carpet Club in Frankfurt airport awaiting for the next 8 hours my flight to South Africa. Fighting to stay awake so I can sleep on my next overnight flight and thinking I am going to give up that battle. Until my next exciting chapter of this man’s random travels around the globe I wish everyone good health and safe travels.

Another view of the harbor, direct accross is a huge aquarium which I hope to visit if I have time. You can walk the entire coast along the bay. 

A bust of a very cheerful famous figure. 

Volleyball tournament taking place right on the inner harbour. A perfect venue just to chill and watch the 'scenery'. 

First Class, accept nothing less

I was quite pleased that for the first time since February of this year United, my trusted and loved airline, felt it was time to upgrade me on my flight across country from SFO to Baltimore. Now I would hate to think I ever get so used to it that I can not appreciate the little things in life, and of course this was no exception. The really fun part was I was able to sponsor an upgrade for one of my co-workers who was on the same flight to go to the same work function. This co-worker had never been in first before, thus it was like watching a schoolchild experience something for the very first time. But the trip really started to be funny when the stewardess was passing out drinks prior to takeoff and called my co-worker ‘mom’. Keep in mind my co-worker is just a couple of years older than me and quite petite. We both stare at the stewardess wondering what type of weird cigarette she had been smoking prior to take-off. Turns out she had a small emblem on her shirt that looked similar to one used for maternity clothes and thus she made an assumption. She then spent the rest of the flight trying to make it up to my co-worker and thus she got extra special care.

Note to men: Never never never ask women when they are due unless you have confirmed from a separate source that said individual is truly pregnant.

Something about getting full ice cream sundaes complete with hot chocolate syrup, whip cream and little tubed cookie really makes a flight that much more rewarding. Suffice to say it was a fun flight. But we are not done yet. Susan, our stewardess who is not the brightest star in the sky, comes to me to tell me about a man in back having an anxiety attack. This by the way, this is why I don’t drink on planes, seems to happen on more and more flights these days. So patient was a nice humorous 90 year old passenger who has feeling lightheaded and slightly dizzy. A little bit of Oxygen, some rest and attention and he was as good as new, well a new 90 year old. Thankfully a short period of treatment and I could go back to the movie which I was very much enjoying (Shaggy Dog with Tim Allen, cutsy but fun).

Baltimore itself it as always a great city. A little hot and humid but a great city to walk around when not stuck inside all day in work type activities. I did get a couple of hours to walk around when I arrived (see pictures linked to this story). More on this city and the rest of my trip when we return….