Flush it all out

Went for a physical today and you will all be happy to know I am in relatively perfect health. Granted I need to go to the gym a little more and probably cut out a little more of the fatty foods but what else is new. The interesting part of the exam came when he felt it was prudent to flush out my ears as I am not actually losing my hearing just have some wax build-up. I tried to tell him that every time I felt like there was something in my ear I was worried my brains would leak out so I would push it back, but he assures me that no it is not my brains. Phew, I was worried. Anyway they come in with this bottle of tap water connected to a tiny hose that goes into your ear. Then the nurse says, “Hold On” and away she goes. It is like a little tornado in your ear, the weirdest feeling in the world. At the end she asks if I would like to see what came out? Ummm, yeah I think I will pass thanks. So if you are ever bored when you go to the doctor or just want to feel you got a little more for your money, go ahead and ask for an ear cleaning.

Wanted to try to pass on an amusing anecdote to amuse while I now reflect on everything else going on. Another one of my co-workers who was diagnosed for breast cancer is having to go back in for surgery as they have found more lumps in both sides. To say she is scared is an understatement. The only thing we can do is be supportive and pray. This has been an incredibly hard year and I just wonder what else we have in store. I am not sure how much else we can all take in our group. Tomorrow will help bring some closure with Ben, although I am close to exhaustion. The preparations have been extensive but I think it is going to be a wonderful service, very cheery (or as cheery as we can make such an event), and very child oriented. I only hope it brings some measure of peace to the rest of the family and friends.

I would like to write more, but to be honest, I need to double check the 500 picture slide show, arrange the music and a hundred other loose ends, more after tomorrow. God Bless everyone and tell a loved one how much you care for them tonight.

Are there any good places left?

Is there nothing more fun than scouring a city to find the perfect domicile? Yes the better part of this weekend was spent searching almost a dozen apartments for the perfect one. The good news is I think I found the region I want to live in which would be Upper Market/Castro district. Although probably the largest gay population on the face of the earth per square meter, it is also an area with the most number of restaurants, bars, and coffee shops, aka social life. So here is what I found which is not much of a surprise for city apartments, great locations come with absolutely tiny apartments usually without windows and appear to have once been the bedroom closet for the house. Apartments far away tend to have more space and at least room to fit a bed. Yeah I know not much of a surprise but a bit challenging to find a mix of location and quality at the same time. One place had a reasonable location and definite size, except the entire house was on maybe a 5% to 10% grade (and apparently growing only slightly yearly). I could just see myself sliding off my bed in the middle of the night.

Interestingly I think the market is back out of my favor, at each open house there were often over a dozen people waiting to see the place. In fact we began to see the same people at each open house, even offered to start carpooling to save precious gas. However the quest continues as I did not find the perfect place, but I have faith that I will eventually conquer all odds and find the perfect apartment, or at least a reasonable one.

That was a majority of my weekend, except for a good friend of mine inviting me out to drinks on Saturday night, you guess it in the city. Thankfully someone else drove, but we hit a couple of bars and I really think I am making the right decision, the drive back after drinking just stinks! There has been so much stress this past month for so many of us, I think we all just needed an evening off to just let our hair down. And boy did we let it down. I think I will just leave the description with that, drunk moments do not need to get added.

New Beginnings!

Is this a quarter life crisis or just current events causing a reevaluation of where I am and where I am going? Either way the effect is still the same. As they say in the movie Second Hand Lions when the two uncles died, their adopted son referred to them as having really lived. Well I want to be that way as well. Granted I have done some amazing things in my life, seen the pyramids of Egypt, the Great Wall in China, the salt baths in Turkey, and the Opera in Sydney to name a few. But I don’t want to stop, I want to keep seeking out all that is life and not when I come to my end realize I did not take chances. I know that I am incredibly reticent to make big changes, however I think I need to take one now for my own peace of mind and growth.

So as mentioned before I made a decision last week to move to San Francisco. I know this will increase my commute time quite a bit, but I have lived next to one of the coolest and hippest cities in this country for four years and can count the number of times I have spent an evening there on two hands. So I am taking a chance and moving there. I finalized my decision to do so on Friday. Saturday with a friend I starting seeking apartments, and I will admit it is quite a culture shock. Not the culture of people, the culture of general city living. The apartments will be older and much more expensive, but the neighborhoods have such life, such culture such vibrancy. Of course the first place I looked was a high rise (so not looking for this) and they just got finished telling me how safe and secure the entire building was when we got into the elevator. The security guard accompanied the building manager and asked if I wanted to see the gym on the way up, I declined preferring to see the apartment first. As we got up to the 18^th floor we see someone sleeping in the hallway, not homeless but definitely someone of a different station. There goes the idea of ultra security. That was not a problem, once I saw the rooms they looked identical to a hotel room, that I just could not do. A couple of the other places were actually quite nice, just at the top end of the price range which might be difficult with gas prices going up, so the search will continue tomorrow.

Am I nervous about what could be a fairly arduous commute and a very different life? Petrified. But this is about new beginnings. So with that in mind I began to pack today. 12 full garbage bags have made their way to the dumpster (it is amazing that I have kept every note I have ever written in every class since freshman year of high school). 5 bags have now been donated to good will and I have not even started on clothes yet. About 6 frenetic hours later I am probably 50% packed. Maybe it is nervous energy but I just could not stop packing. So anyway, which way will the wind take me? Who knows but as for now I know one thing, New Beginings!

And then something happens…

Just when you think you have come to grip with what has happened, just when you con finally justify it to yourself, and feel your heart has finally come to terms with the injustice of life. Something comes out of the blue, something hits you so hard in the head that your knees shake, your mind falters and your stomach wants to return everything it has inside. Your mind tells you that you need to be strong for others, to retell over and over and over and over and over and over to everyone what it was like, what he was like, who he was, and soon you just can’t take it anymore. To not be able to cry, to be strong everyday, every hour, to everyone. Not having slept in days almost a week is causing a fog to fall over everything. It’s hard to breath impossible to eat. Every time my phone rings I am reticent to pick it up and have to answer another question. Every time I close my eyes I see his smile. Every time I lay my head down I hear him in his artificially high pitch voice talking about Lord of the Rings characters and laughing at me because I forgot Golum’s name again. Every where I go I smell the cacophony of smells from the hospital, the extra strong anti-bacterial soap, the sterile dressings, the food that sits on trays untouched for hours.

I never understood how everyone could get used to the hospital life, the constant interruptions the anguish and fear that you could smell. And yet Ben, Ben made everything into a game. He would relish in the stories we would tell him of the outside world, of pets and weather, of movies and music. He had such patience with his brother and friends that came to visit who didn’t understand the tubes and needles that followed him wherever he went. He jokes about them, never letting them stop him from doing what he wanted to do. As I work on the slide show and see these pictures, it washes over me like a tidal wave. Rarely do you see picture where he is not laughing, smiling, or having fun. That is what a 7 year old is supposed to be doing, not sitting in a hospital bed making 20 and 30 something year olds feel better. And now he is not there, and we need to fill that void and support each other. Like a leg in a stool suddenly gone and now trying to balance minus one. It’s stupid to say its not fair, its pointless to rant and rave to the heavens and above, and its senseless to anguish in front of others. But yet those would feel so good.

Most of my memories of Ben are when he was sick. Spending evenings in the hospital, being there when he recovered from anesthesia, and holding him when he was sick. Yet I have so many great memories of him sharing happiness and joy in the absolute worst of times. I am sorry I didn’t get to spend more time with him before, but I am blessed with knowing him at all. So now I tighten my belt, wash my face, and go out for another day. May it not show on my face and not reveal myself.

Everyone wants to help

The memorial service for Ben is going to be this coming Wednesday, and like the Make-A-Wish event we planned everyone wants to help. Maybe this is our way of helping to grieve, or to feel a sense of supporting the family when normally we would be wringing our hands and wishing we could do something. The outpouring of support is phenomenal to see, especially people without a first-hand relationship to Ben, but rather have been living through the story that has been on-line. There has been no end to their generosity. What I find truly uplifting is when random vendors who we approach to help out at the event either provide incredibly steep discounts or sometimes no fee at all to help out. It has been written in newspaper articles and on said on television shows that our society is numbing. With wars and conflicts constantly going on and being shown in live color in our living room 24/7, that our minds are numbing to pain and grief. Nothing could be further from the truth.

As I am assisting with this event I am touched to see such an outpouring of support from literally hundreds of people. Is it because they each have a story to tell where they have been touched by cancer, or maybe because they have children and the thought that it might happen to theirs is too horrifying to contemplate? Either way they are neither numb nor deaf to the cause of providing. This has not been limited to simply the memorial service but has been ongoing for 8 months ever since this whole journey began. This is what makes our society so strong, is the way we stick together in times of hardship and need.

Personally I find that different things will affect me at random times. Working throughout the week on my normal job has been therapeutic as it has allowed my mind to wander to other topics and concerns. Yet a simple medical call to a child in our day care center, sends back memories to the hospital. Hearing children talk about family trips to Disney takes one back to how this all began. Creating the slide show of pictures from Ben’s action packed life threw me for a while until I could get my emotions in check. I don’t know which was worse, visual reminders, or songs I remember being played over and over again on the ipod in the hospital. So as we continue to plan this service I know I will hit little bumps in the road that will cause emotional turmoil, however I would much rather remember this unbelievable kid as compared to forgetting and numbing.

Bitch?

Fear not this is not an entry of gripes, but rather of a humorous occurrence that involved a lost in translation. I was sitting in a meeting with a small intimate crowd of only three others, after discussing work, the conversation drifted to personal interest. As we did not know each other well conversation moved into inquiries of the children status of each person. Now we are an international company which has to accommodate people from all different countries and dialects. So as one the young women from London spoke of her children she also mentioned she had a bitch that just had 8 puppies. Looking at me I successfully was able to keep a straight face while two others just broke out in mirth and laughter.

Webster defines bitch to be “a female canine animal, especially a dog” which in this case was dead on. But clearly most Americans tend to not use this term in an endearing sense. This was the highlight of my day.

So after thinking about something for quite sometime I have come to the decision that I am going to after four long years move, not too far, I am going to move into what is argued one of the most fun cities in the country. This is clearly not San Jose, rather San Francisco. I have been living in the suburbs for 4 years and do not often go into the city because it is a schlep especially when coming home late at night (or early in the morning). Thus I have already begun searching for apartments in the city. Yes I know my commute is going to be longer, but I think the hopeful social life or at least cultural life will be well worth it. So back to the fun of searching for apartments, hopefully start this weekend. Stay tuned for updates.

Oh and as an after thought, I never did inform my readers as promised as to what I ended up giving to my father for his birthday, it was an espresso / cappuccino machine. I was pleased to see it is so complicated to operate it actually came with a video for instructions. Should provide hours and hours of childhood amusement for him. :-)

Friends and Honesty

I think I will forever be a better friend than boyfriend, but let’s leave that until later. This past week has been challenging to put it nicely. However I have some of the most amazing friends who have gone above and beyond to really help me. Between one friend cooking me a food which included much needed and delectable cookies and then bringing it to work, to another friend guilting me into having dinner at her place with the rest of her family (the latter very much cheering me up). My friends have been calling me late at night to see how I am feeling and have surrounded me with emails and instant messages to check up on me and keep my spirits up. Even one friend who I am not terribly close with went in my opinion well above the call of duty and brought in a couple of lilies inside a water bottle. So they sit on my desk begging for me to keep life in perspective and remember the good things as well.

This however brings me to something else. Many of my friends are girls who I went out with for a period of time and when we broke up decided to be friends instead. Actually when thrust into focus I realize the number of failed relationships are much better friends. Is there something wrong with that? To some this might sound like an inability to let go of past relationships, but we are so much better friends that we ever were in a relationship. There is a level of honest post relationship that with some was never there during the relationship in terms of things we didn’t like in that other person. Some were shared intentionally while others shared unintentionally, either way very eye open. So while this past week has made me feel so very much lucky to have such great friends, one needs to wonder why none of them ever worked as a relationship. How much more needs to be there to change a great friendship into a great relationship?

Just some random thoughts, back the more mindful events of course revolves around Ben. Each day has been getting slightly easier, with the stories and memories friends and family have been sharing, and of course slowly the ability to sleep slowly improving as well. The memorial service is not until mid next week, so a ways to go until some amount of closure.

Always a smile!

Here is Ben with his father and a neighbor. He has an infectious personality that all who knew him caught.

Let me tell you about

Let me tell you about a boy, a boy with a spirit that would not quit. A boy who was a motivation to many and an inspiration to all. Oh you think I say this only because I am biased. In February, on the 14^th to be exact, Ben asked for the first time for his parents to both leave his room. This was very unusual and they were unsure how to take it, but they left the room. When they returned he had made valentine’s day cards for both of them, this was in the middle of a most egregiously painful chemo session. I don’t know many seven year olds that think of giving their parents a gift when they are in the hospital, to Ben that was all he thought about.

Another time one of the residents came on the ward to check on the patients on a Saturday. These residents come and go like the changing of the tides, only the kids stay there. Well he prescribed something for Ben, yet Ben not missing a beat from the Star Wars game he is playing on the Playstation says that he can’t have that drug. The doctor in only a slightly hidden condescending voice tells what he assumed was just another seven year old that these medicines will help him. Ben responds that this one wouldn’t, it doesn’t go with another one he is on and lists the medicines for the doctor, all without taking his eyes of the tv. The doctor checks the chart, and only slightly abashed makes the changes and beats a hasty retreat, don’t underestimate these kids.

These are the memories that keep me up at night. When he took his last breath at 9:40pm on Saturday night that moment was greeted by fireworks from a celebration down the street. Or was it fireworks welcoming him to a better place? A place where there is no suffering, there is no pain. Walking through the hallways on 2N at Stanford Hospital makes me realize how lucky I am, in my opinion way too lucky. There are parents there that have slept in hospital beds with their children for 2-3 sometimes 4 years, and yet they are some of the kindest people I have ever met. How they stay so optimistic with such strength I don’t know, but they are my heroes. Them and their children, who continue to fight and yet help each other as friends. They are my heroes. May God watch over all of those who feel the pain that is so undeserving, and end the suffering of all.

Amen

A never-ending sense of wondermeant. 

I remember

I remember

I remember Going to the hospital and barely knowing how to spell Ben’s last name when this whole thing started and holding his hand as he woke up from an excruciatingly painful spinal tap. The drugs making him woozy and unable to control his emotions, making him switch from anger to tears to fear in second.

I remember Playing catch with him with a brand new nerf game when he was finally able to get off his IV for an afternoon.

I remember Spending hours playing a Star Wars game on the couch in his hospital room where he was locked up for weeks during bone marrow transplant 1.

I remember Holding his painfully skinny body as it was wracked in spasms as he lost what little broth he had had for the previous meal into a bucket I held. Spasm after painful spasm, followed by the ever present search for the horrible blood that we hoped would never appear in those pink buckets.

I remember Telling him fun stories of my sister and I fighting when I was a kid.

I remember Telling him fun stories of my sister and I fighting when I was no longer a kid.

I remember Seeing him laying in a bed with 2 dozen donuts in a box all for him as he licked off the chocolate off the top and insides and enjoying having them all to himself.

I remember The awe on his face when Darth Vedar came to his living room to say hi.

I remember Watching pills being dipped in special chocolate sauce to make it just a little bit easier for him to swallow.

I remember Negotiating with him when we would drink water, or take pills, literally negotiating minutes as if they meant the difference in the fate of millions, all decided by a small kitchen timer

I remember The times when two brothers would play together with the new toy of the day, fighting but never really fighting.

I remember Watching liquid chemicals of every random color with scientific names that barely fit on the package being dripped into multiple tubes going into his body while we read books of dogs to him, dogs we had or knew of as children, dogs he would never know.

I remember The adults trying to help him build a puzzle and him getting bored in 10 minutes while the adults spending the next two days because we are stubborn.

I remember The laughter even when he had no voice to laugh and it came out only in painful wheezes.

I remember The gifts he gave his brother, mother and father throughout this entire ordeal, the cards he wrote to show his love to his family.

I remember Ben, and may I never forget!

A final update

Late tonight Ben passed away. He was at home surrounded by his close family and friends who brought happiness and comfort in these final days.

We take comfort in the fact that he is now out of the pain that has seemed insurmountable at times. At this time we take stock in the strength he showed in this 8 month battle, the laughter and joy he brought to so many, and the love that he had for his family, his friends, and for all life. Through his words of hope, his perpetual optimism and quirky humor he touched everyone from doctors and nurses, to servicemen far overseas, to families all around the world. He was the subject of newspaper articles, the mascot for a fighter wing, and the motivation for countless runners in charity races. I know we will all feel his absence, but we will also carry a piece of him inside each of us forever.

We all feel this great loss, my we each find some measure of peace in our own family and friends, and see this as a reaffirmation of life's blessings that we have in our own life.

These words I say for others weigh heavily on me. I find it difficult to breath. Somehow everything else seems so far away. May god forgive us for all of our sins, they grow heavier everyday.

Grant

Tonight a particularly close and dear friend of mine took me out for my birthday. A busy travel schedule makes timely birthday excursions challenging but not impossible. So tonight we went out to a beautiful concert venue located at the Mountain Winery. This concert hall is actually located high up in the mountains of Saratoga up where the houses are the size of small hotels surrounded by neat rows of grape vines. The road up to the winery is a winding path full of snakes and coils and the occasional full u-turn. Ever higher you climb until at the very top you can see the entire Bay Area practically from lower San Francisco to well south of San Jose. A breathtaking view.

On this night it is an overcast night, one night before a full moon. You walk through rows of small winery buildings until you get to the original main building. It was built in 1825 and looks like an old English church with ivy so thick it is impossible to see the stone beneath. This church like structure is actually the backdrop to the outdoor stage that is surrounded on three sides by old wooden bleachers and folding chairs in front. Both quaint and intimate at the same time. With glasses of wine in hand people mingle and let the stresses of the day and week slowly ease away while looking at the breathtaking vista before the sun fully sets.

Before we know it, it is show time and without further ado, Amy Grant. Amy Grant has a voice that can mesmerize the soul and captivate the mind. She talks to the audience as she would a close friend, explaining what the circumstances were around a song and truly creating a scene or setting for each song. With a calm and understanding demeanor she not only acknowledges a crying baby but actually gives the mother a round of applause for getting out and living life. She ensures she plays each song the loyal fans requested during the sound check and even songs yelled out by the audience.

She tells this story late in the evening with the sun fully set, the church like structure behind basked in a quiet pink/amber lighting. The natural mist from the cold night air meeting the former warm air of the afternoon, plays about the feet of the musicians. Amy is cast in this blue backlight that provides a halo like effect, while her front is basked in a pale canary color. This next song was inspired by a TV show on NBC she is helping with. It is called Wishes, where they set up a tent in a town and they invite everyone in town to come and make a wish, and then they will grant three of those wishes. Well you can imagine the number of people that come out to have their wish possibly granted, the line taking many times all day to fully partake. Toward the end of a particularly long session, she has a woman come up and of course answers the first obligatory question of her name, and then for her wish she simply says, ‘I wish you would grant the wish of the woman in front of me’. Now we don’t know if they were friends or just became friends standing in line for several hours, but we can take this in the most optimistic view and see this as people supporting other people. For aren’t we all in this together and shouldn’t we all just take a little while to help each other out? And as the mist glided off the stage and onto the audience it was like a steady reminder that to stay warm we need other people (or a really big fire place).

Later in the evening her daughter Karin (age 4) was invited on stage to dance with mom. Being a typical 4 year old she was immediately shy on stage, but from our vantage point you could see this adorable girl just dancing her heart out on the side of the stage for the rest of the show. How wonderful it would be to have that innocence and care-free manner. To not know the evils or pains of the world, but just to throw your hands up and dance and dance, until you are so dizzy you fall down, and then dance some more on the ground.

So I will confess I have been a little distracted the past few days ever since Ben came home from NY. Not knowing exactly how to feel when hope is soon to become loss, and yet something about this group of people all singing about hope, love, friendship, those basic emotions that mean so much to each of us, well helps re-energize. Do I still feel absolutely petrified of what we all know is coming? Absolutely, but with close friends we are going to go into this together, for as a group we pick each other up and bring ourselves to new levels.

Thank you J for the wonderful evening, it was very much needed.

A series of speed bumps

When you try to define a bad day do you think of it as a single event or a series of small sometimes insignificant events all adding up to make for just a ‘fabulous’ day? Seems like my whole week is like that. I am a very up-beat person and obnoxiously cheerful and definitely a morning person (much to everyone’s chagrin around me). And just I seem to be a half-step off from everything these past few days. Catching up with friends is fun but I find myself much more enjoying listening to them tell me about their day then ever wanting to talk about mine.

Went to a co-worker’s baby shower yesterday (a first for me) and although I am absolutely thrilled for them as I think they will be great parents, I just felt somehow not quite with it. They played apparently common games such as guess the width of the mom, yes I was off by almost 14 inches (don’t worry husband was off by more). Then of course making the cutest playdough baby, which was greatly amusing to see the creativity but lack of artistic talent in some, myself first and foremost. But then it was time for me to skedaddle out of there.

Part of this I know is because of Ben. We are now simply waiting for the inevitable to come any day, and I don’t know which is worse knowing it is coming, or the fact we are waiting for it. Life just does not seem fair, and I keep trying to tell myself there is some greater plan but my heart does not listen to my brain. I find I sit in meetings and for 30 minutes or so I will not hear anything that was said as my mind wanders over Lennox Court where a little boy is playing with Pokemon cards with his parents, grandparents, and brother. I feel like I am holding my breath and getting lightheaded.

But in my mind I keep hearing Camus say: “Only in the deepest winter did I learn within me lay an eternal summer.”

Alone in a Crowd

As if there is no tomorrow the phone rings with every call I have been waiting and since they can never come alone, also the call I was hoping would never come. Such happiness yet morbid fear in the same span of time. You see it is such a please to talk to a friend, preferably one you went out with at some point and thus share such an understanding and common set of experiences it is honestly a pleasure. Any bitterness? Actually no.

For I would not want to disappoint avid readers who would be foolish enough to think that traveling is boring, there is some excitement for the way home. Wonderfully inclement weather in Washington caused our plane to be an hour late to arrive (nothing new) but as we sat in the bullpen where they place all planes who have been naughty naughty planes (actually ones where they have no place to put them), we listen to air traffic control and the pilots. Keep in mind that these planes are being told they will be stranded there for upwards of three hours just sitting on the tarmac. One of the early planes (actually next in line) was told that they lost their routing and had to wait until they got new routing. The ground controller apologized and the pilot accepted graciously. Then we hear in a classic Seinfeld voice from some un-identified plane, “No Routing for you!”. Plenty of laughter on the airwaves. Then a plane was allowed to leave and all you hear on the airwaves from the departing plane was in the best Alladin Genie voice, ‘ We are OOOUUTTTTAA here!!’. Nice to see that while everyone is losing their patience and cool people can still keep their sense of humor (as we are roughly 2 ½ hours late getting back home).

But there are some pleasures to this. Somewhere over Utah we pass over a massive lightening storm. If you have never seen a lightening storm from the air it is absolutely amazing. It is indescribable especially at night. All you see is clouds loading over the ground and cast pools of light that materialize as if from the gods themselves. They come from below you and above, lighting the interior of the plane. They highlight the clouds as a if taking a picture of these most beautiful formations of moisture. Such a wondrous but most certainly dangerous sight. Then like a flash we see in an extraordinarily bright flash that there are not two layers of clouds below and above the plane but one massive donut of a cloud formation, looking a mix between an alien space craft and a tornado. Flashes of light like gods flinging spells at each other. First from the left and then from the right, sometimes crashing in the middle. And yet our plane is perfectly still almost like we are floating alongside cheering them on, hoping for a wonderous victory. It seems to go on forever, we can see through small breaks the towns that look so small and insignificant below. Is this how aliens must feel when they look down from above at our tiny civilizations? A single flash of lighting seems to cover the entire city with one fell swoop. And just like that we pass the storm and into the quiet of nothingness we once more emerge.

But this leads me to the title of this entry. Watching Next Stop Wonderland a movie recommended by one of my friends on Netflix, there was an interesting quote which consisted something to the extent, ‘I am not lonely when I am home by myself, I find I am lonely when in a crowded place such as a subway or plane’. How true that is. I love taking quite walks after work around the park or in the community just to clear my mind, work things out. I never feel lonely on those walks, only when surrounded by hundreds of people. We can be quite content to simply spend time with ourselves and enjoy our own company, is that so strange. But yet when surrounded by laughter, anger, frustration and the entire array of emotions that is when we feel our own loneliness like a hunger in our belly. So the solution? You smile and talk to the stewardess whose birthday it happens to be today and although it is her birthday she is still working. The chocolate truffles I received from the hotel served no better use than to cheer her up (don’t worry her husband is taking her out later tomorrow), but now she can have a little pick-me up on the flight. That was enough to fill that little space today (the ice cream from first class she provided as thanks didn’t hurt either).

On a personal note (as if the rest was not personal), I ask you if you are religious to pray. Pray for lost causes and an end to family suffering. Pray for a miracle and pray for every moment those families have while still whole and before they forever lose one of their own. If you don’t pray, hope really really hard. God Bless everyone.

Passenger 13

An interesting series of events, otherwise known as drama, revolved around my flight this morning from San Francisco to DC. A passenger was walking through the concourse in handcuffs being led by an Asian man with a black windbreaker that had on the rear, “POLICE, Federal Agent’. He had his full equipment belt on which included all the usual mace, gun, taser, and baton. As he lead this African American male through the concourse he of course received a fair amount of side glances and full on stares. Sure enough he comes right over to our gate and talks to the gate agents. It becomes abundantly clear that he is getting on our flight, but what is also abundantly clear is there is concern from the United employees. Two managers are called over to talk to the federal agent, all of which we do not hear of course. I figured this had probably something to do with this man being some major criminal lord and they felt uncomfortable about this.

Well after a few delays we board and not much to my surprise the fore mentioned individual does board the plane. Much to all of our surprise in the front of the plane the passenger boards without his handcuffs and without his escort. I thought this maybe temporary as perhaps the agent is speaking to the captain or some other official duty. Nope, the door closes and we are off minus one agent and a set of handcuffs. We query the stewardess to find out that this was not some major crime figure or even a minor criminal awaiting trial, rather he is just an individual who arrived in the US without a Visa seeking asylum. This type of passenger is called a TWAV (pronounced similar to twaddle), traveling without a visa. So I decide to look into this a bit more for the sake of this entry.

In 2004 the number of people seeking asylum in the US has dropped to 52,400 individuals the lowest amount since 1987. Although still the second highest country to accept asylum seekers (second to France which accepted 61,600) it is far below what we used to see in the 70s and 80s. What strikes me as unbelievable with all the turmoil and problems in the world, there is a dramatic decrease in the number of individuals seeking to move to safer or new locations. But one may question the numbers (as we should always do) as that this is the number that accepted, we don’t know how many apply and get rejected. Actually those numbers are reported as well but by the number of people from a country seeking to leave. Afghanistan which used to be number one, dropped to 13^th place with a reduction in applications by 81%, Russian Federation, Serbia and China form the top three, but even those three have seen reductions. What is this attributed to? Is it improved conditions in the country? Well one would hope that maybe the UN and a whole series of other NGO (non-governmental organizations) have made a difference, I for one would like to believe this is the case.

So getting back to the original premise, to be honest a number of the passengers were quite concerned about this apparent prisoner getting on the plane, most especially without an agent and not restrained. In fact we find out the cabin crew voted 9-1 against even allowing him on and were ready to not fly at all, if the captain had not overruled them. Turns out probably just someone seeking a better place to live.

So as we complain about all host of things in the US, about the taxes, the government, the wars, and even HMOs, we need to take a second and be thankful for what we do have. We have a place where there is freedom, granted it is challenged a couple of times due to recent events, but we enjoy a much better type of living that a good percentage of the world. Let us say thank you, and thank you to the men and women of the armed forces that fight for us.

Time for me to catch up on email, just thought I would share this with all of you.

Happy Birthday

Well today has been the weekend that I have been missing for a few months. I slept in until 7am, which for me is truly sleeping in, and for the first time in a long time I felt fairly rested. I decided it was finally time to clean the apartment top to bottom and clean I did. This included vacuuming and cleaning the toilet. Let me tell you, this is great fun first thing in the morning, on the other hand it did get it out of the way with early. But it was time to take care of something much more important, time to get a gift for my father.

Usually birthdays are something to celebrate but in many ways just another day, just another year. This is different. As I reflect over the past year I realize how lucky I really have it. So many of my friends have parents that they might occasionally talk to, but don’t really have the ability to really talk to. When I have life, well challenges, there are only a few people I can call to vent, my parents are two such people. Sure they can be judgmental at times, but they also know how to listen when I need someone to listen. My father has been my sounding board ever since I went to college able to listen as I try to figure out classes, social activities, dating (or lack there-of most of the time), and investing. I find myself quoting his advice more than I thought I ever would, and this includes reading NY Times and listening to NPR (insert gasp here). So I spent a good portion of the past week doing research and most of today going store to store to find the perfect item, and I think I found it. It is a top of the line, …. Like I am going to tell you here, he hasn’t even gotten it yet. I will complete this though when he gets it in a little under a week, in the meantime let us all give a little appreciation to our parents who sacrifice so much for so much heartache. Happy Birthday Dad.

Tomorrow I get back on a plane to Dallas and then Virginia, nice short trips just a day each. A couple of nights ago I headed to the city for dinner with a new friend and some of her friends. My expectations were low, and I am pleased to say it surpassed all of them. I had a great time with all three of them. Her two friends were very cool and it was very worth the 90 minutes it took to take drive into the city. We will see if it gets repeated.

Exploring the Infinite Abyss

I had three people today tell me that I looked or sounded sad. Now how is that for a fine howdy-do on a Friday? The pathetic thing is I thought I was having a good week. I had a couple of medicals this week where I genuinely know that we helped someone, which is always a relatively good feeling. I am more certain in my job and the tasks that lay in front of me. I re-connected with an old friend whom I haven’t talked to in way too long. And yet, why would I portray an outward appearance of unhappiness? I like to think I am one of the most social optimistic and overall disgustingly happy people at work (considering I am one of like 3 people who doesn’t work from home the odds are pretty good). But still, it just threw me for a bit of a loop today.

So this weekend for the first time in almost two months I do not have a place I need to be for volunteering, I am still trying to figure out what I want to do. I am torn between sitting beside my pool for the first time this summer, cleaning my apartment (desperate need of), or shopping. I fear laziness will win out over cleanliness or necessity.

Another week I mark off the calendar and I have to think what did I accomplish? If we really do believe in Carpe Diem, what have I done to truly seize the day? What will I do next week to do the same? Something for me to ponder tonight as I fall asleep, but it will be something that will be reflected upon in future entries.

Appreciation and Public Service Announcement

As I have mentioned before one of my co-workers was actually diagnosed with breast cancer. While the surgery went very well to remove the lumps, they will be treating her quite aggressively with chemo for 6 months to ensure it has not spread elsewhere in the body. She is an incredibly healthy person, who eats right, is very active with her kids and maintains a healthy lifestyle, oh and she is young. Well ok maybe flukes, but as other co-workers come by to lend their support I hear of more and more cases of others who had this cancer as well in their youth. At least I consider late 20s still to be youth when we are talking in terms of cancer. The good news is that at that age the body is much more able to handle aggressive treatment and thus the success rate grows tremendously, but this is rather humbling to think about. You would be hard pressed to find a person who has not been personally touched by cancer either themselves or their immediate family.

But as I hear these women talk, most of them found the cancer themselves doing self-examinations and were able to catch it early. What I found most surprising though is that a large percentage of men actually get breast cancer. 1% of all breast cancer diagnosis are for men, not women (1 in a 100), which when according to WHO over 1.2 million new cases are identified every year. That results in 12,000 new diagnosis in men every year. The scary thing is that men tend to lag in identifying the disease by an average of 18 months, which significantly reduces the odds of recovery. So why do they teach self-examination to women but not men? Is it they think that we would be so arrogant that we would do a testicular exam but not a breast exam? In this day and age when we are trying to educate the public to be more aware of their body and possible afflictions, where things like this are taught all the way back in high school, I believe it is scandalous that they ignore this subject. So for male readers, consider this a friendly public service. Next time you see one of those placards for women on how to do a breast exam, take a second and educate yourself, it might just save your life.

In another piece of cancer related news, Ben’s condition failed to improve with this latest bone marrow transplant. He was undergoing radiation for 3-4 hours a day like a real trooper, but to no avail, the cancer is spreading and his body is just can not take this abuse much longer. So for his overall health and happiness, they are returning from NY to CA to be closer to home. To say this is devastating is an understatement. All that hope that has cropped up over the past couple of months is flushed away in one fell swoop. We all continue to pray for miracles, because I think that is all we have left. So everyone give a hug to your kid, a call to your parents or siblings to say I love you, or just give a chuck on the shoulder to your best friend. Life is precious, every moment of it.

Good leadership

As promised I wanted to take a couple of seconds and go back to last weekend’s medical work and address one last thing, leadership. Throughout a very hot and stressful weekend at the county fair the crew chief spent less time actually doing medical care and more time looking out for the volunteers and their health. He spent time talking to people about incidents especially bad ones that might shake up a new volunteer and he spent some time on the last day publicly thanking the overall group. This is what leadership is all about, as compared to a previous weekend.

This is going to sound like an ego trip but truly it is not. Yesterday I responded to a fairly bad medical on my campus for a person in a diaphoretic attack. We had another EMT and first responder take medical care while I took incident commander. Keep in mind this is half volunteer organization and half paid organization. I quickly dispatched people to hold vehicle traffic, escorts for Fire Department and ambulance and other assorted jobs. The problem with some volunteers is they are so excited to be in a call that they forget that all positions need to be filled. Sometime that position is in the middle of right field watching dandelions grow, but if that is where they need you, guess what? That is where you go. I had one responder that I asked to hang out by me to be escort, I turn around and they are gone. Inside to help with patient care, I am like Hello? Get back out here, they are good in there. But this helps me realize the challenges of being crew chief when you want to be a little stronger with someone who does something incorrectly, but you can’t be too strong as they are volunteers. In this case going against direct orders potentially puts someone else in jeopardy. However the difference between an effective leader and otherwise is to just adapt for it during the incident and not make a big deal. Make sure it does not put the patient or any of the responders in danger (i.e. cover traffic control), and talk about it afterwards in private. This is compared to a leader blowing up in front of a patient or other volunteers while care is being given to patient. Just some interesting observations.

Sell that Steer

This past weekend as I continue my quest to discover every event that I have been long missing in San Jose and the Bay area in general, I progressed to the Santa Clara county fair. Yes I am still doing this as a volunteer medic so I am actually working these events, but this allows for a rare view of the inner-workings of these events. For my avid readers (or bored readers), this event was run so much smoother than the previous one last weekend which you might remember me talking about as out of control egos.

But lets talk about the county fair. As many of you know I was born and raised in Milwaukee, a not so small town in Wisconsin where within 10 minutes you can be in countryside. Driving into the fair along a dusty dirt road mixed with hay and thistles, small dust storms kicked up by the tires as animals are led from vehicle to pens by children, I had flashbacks of home. These are no city-born kids here, these are kids and young adults that are not spoiled MTV kids, these kids pull 2500 lb bulls through hay and jump over fences in flip-flops, all the time never breaking a sweat. These are 4-H and FFA (Future Farmers of America) young adults who buy animals, raise them for a period of time spending both time and money caring for them, feeding them, and grooming them, all in preparation for these shows. They then make it to the show, and finally auction off the animals afterwards for someone else’s food. There are more than a few moist eyes in some of these kids, but they run back and start the process all over again next summer. One girl actually dislocated her should with only one event left (she had been there for 9 hours that day), if she missed that last event she would be disqualified. When we came up, she told us in no uncertain terms that with or without our permission she was going to compete in leading her massive steer around the ring. I capitulated and ask if she would wear a sling. She would not acquiesce as she needed both hands to control the massive but beautiful animal. So here she goes running this animal with a probable dislocated shoulder, what a sight to see! The amazing thing is as they are grooming, cleaning, feeding, leading these animals they are doing it in full uniform which is white shirt, white pants, white socks and a green tie. Now far be it from me to talk about cleanliness, but WOW. I can’t keep a pair of white anything clean for more than a few minutes, let alone around a dozen pigs (literally). You will never find a more fun loving, cheerful, Clean group of people around, they were a pleasure to work with. (favorite t-shirt from this area: We Farm, You Eat)

Then we move to the other area of the fair, specifically the carnival and exhibit areas. What a contrast to be seen and barely believed. Let me start with I do not believe myself prejudiced and I have seen all walks of life and respect the places they come from and the challenges they face. This fair takes place in south San Jose which has its own interesting neighborhoods. These neighborhoods are primarily lower class areas with numerous gang and drug problems. This fair is an excellent place for them to hang out with others and start problems. As such there is quite a large presence of county Sheriffs, as well special gang task forces and probation officers. But the armed presence is not what I wanted to bring forth, but rather the clientele. First if there was ever any doubt, tattoos are most certainly in, but in areas that I expected less and less. Everyone knows it is chic for females to get tats on their lower back or shoulder blades, but the predominate location for these girls was right on the top of their breasts. Of course at that point they had to wear clothing that showed up these tats which brings up the next part of this story, but first lets take a step back.

Due to the size of this event and the thickness of the crowds we end up putting a few medics on bikes (and yes I do mean the manual bikes) with about 45lbs of medical equipment on the back including AEDs (Defibrillators), Oxygen and all sorts of other supplies. As I am one of the younger volunteers (i.e. under the age of 50) I am instantly volunteered for the bike patrol with another medic in training. So I am in long pants, my snazzy white uniform shirt, my bat belt with every imaginable device needed for WWIII, with a bike helmet to top it off like an angel on a tree. So a majority of Saturday and Sunday was spent with my butt on a nice hard seat circling the area assisting our guests with blisters and small cuts. It was a hot weekend and thus a certain amount of loose or limited clothing was expected in the crowds, and having seen kids in this day and age my expectations were I thought pretty reasonable. How wrong I was. We had mothers who clearly were not old enough to drink, and only passable at best to vote, carry a child in one hand and trying to pick up on the ‘gangster’ boys on the other. Everyone is of course smoking (since we know that is wonderfully healthy for infants), and trying to do everything they can to attract attention in a way that implies they don’t give a damn. Watching the dynamics of girls trying to be picked up by key guys from either the whites or blacks (Not race, their colors, which translates I guess to reds and blues), and the guys trying to intimidate each other and showing ownership over these girls I realize how little I know about the lives in the different social-economic classes. I mean are these girls trying to get picked up by the dominant members of the gang for status, or protection or financial gain? There was one girl who had on her shirt, ‘his bitch’, and this is just one of the many similar t-shirts. Others actually had tats that said, ‘property of ‘his name’’. This gave flashbacks to the animals in the other half of the fair being branded. Overall I found this sad. This is what politicians talk about when they refer to the inner city lives, but I wonder how many of them really see it? How many of them see a guy full out hit a girl for looking at another guy on the street? How many of them see these 15 year olds carrying a child and virtually throwing themselves on a different guy than the father (different race)? The probation officers spent some time with us and was educating us that over 75% of the kids there had been in jail at least once, and that number is just increasing. This is a cycle we have got to fix, and no I don’t know the answer, but it is alarming to see.

More on the fair in the next entry, but for now I need to get back to work.

Cleaning

Not being home and free on the weekends for the past 8 or so weeks I have neglected the basic household function of cleaning. Ok now before you think me to be the typical bachelor or just some common slob, my house was reasonably straightened, dishes washed etc. I am talking a full top to bottom cleaning including bathtub, dusting, vacuuming, you know the stuff we hate to do. Last night it just got to be too much, so when I got home, I stripped the work clothes and replaced them with t-shirt and shorts and went to town. It is amazing once you start something you realize how much more you have to go. I got through three rooms and I still have my bedroom and the worst the family room to go. Arghhh, who has time for this stuff anymore.

Otherwise I am pleased to announce second day in a row I made it to the gym and the differences are remarkable. No not in strength or endurance but rather just in my ability to wake up. I have not realized how effective of a job the gym does in waking me up in the morning until I stopped doing it. Previously I would go through meetings yawning and struggling to keep my eyes open. Granted it is partly the material that can be a bit of a bore sometimes, but seriously I should not be falling asleep at 11am. On a gym day I have tons of extra energy to last through the entire day, how cool is that. No caffeine necessary. With all of that said, it has been a long week and all I want to do is take a nice long nap!

Honeymooners beware

So I went to the gym for the first time in over a month (a whole different story for later) and chatted with the desk assistance who has been an acquaintance for quite some time now. Actually one of the ways we got to talking originally was because she had asked for advice on what to do in Hawaii when she went there with her boyfriend. While I was giving recommendations on fun activities and dance clubs I also cautioned that separate time is also hugely important especially for a relatively new relationship (under a year) otherwise you run the risk of pushing things too quickly and losing the relationship (familiarity breeds contempt?). Although I bear absolutely no ill will to my ex, this is partly what ended our relationship bringing things to light and ending things a mere two weeks later.

Well not having seen her since her return I asked her how the trip went, and she raved and raved about the surfing, the beaches, the food and the dancing. When asked about the travel companion, it was mentioned that a week upon returning that relationship ended. A relationship of several months that was going quite well she adds. So I am convinced that Hawaii is bewitched or jinxed to all new and recent relationships. Surely two counts as a trend or a scientific study? If not, still be aware, traveling can be risky.

So yes I finally went back to the gym after a month of traveling, working 7 days a week, and eating horrible fast food. Maybe it was the new back pain or maybe just the pants that were getting a little (or a lot) tight around the waist. Either way it was a wake-up call to get back, but boy did I pay the price this morning! But it felt good to get back into the swing of things, I just have a long ways to go.

I am back from my 19 hour trip to Virginia and what a thrill it was (ok only slightly sarcastic). One highlight was flying out of Dulles airport with thousands and thousands of boy scouts leaving the annual Jamporee in full uniform, flags and colors flying high. I look at them and remember that whole awkward pre-pubescent stage (as much as I try to forget it). These kids doubled over with backpacks weighing more than them, with socks rolled up to their knees and the most awful glasses that a parent could find (but makes them look so cute). How do any of us survive that stage? I guess what does not kill us makes us stronger.

One last thing, I flew out of San Fran on Tuesday afternoon after being at work since 6am. Arrived into DC at 9pm, in hotel by 10. At the office in DC by 8am, on a plane back to San Fran at 4:30, San Fran by 8pm. At Chipotle to get some dinner so I can go home and pass out. Well I did a rolling stop out of Chipotle, and sure enough a Sunneyvale police officer pulls up next to me at a stop light. He asks me if I am in a rush and I simply reply, not anymore. He just lets me know to watch out and lets me go. I don’t know if it was my medic sticker in the back or just having a good day and deciding there are worst offenses out there, but 3 minutes later I am home. Officer, I owe you one, thanks, it would have been the last thing I needed after the past 48 hours, and I promise to watch that stop sign in the future. Sometimes good things happen.

Spoiled?

If you ever want to see that your kids or you are so completely not spoiled, or if you ever need to see how not to raise your kids just watch sweet sixteen on MTV. Why was I watching this abysmal view into terrible parenting? Well it was like a train wreck, you just could not look away. The premise of the show is girls wanting to throw the biggest baddest most extravagant parties for their 16^th birthday. One girl had a party that totaled over $200k and she still thinks her parents held out and didn’t give her everything she wanted. Of course this was the same girl that went out of town against parental orders and without telling them for 2 days directly before her birthday and couldn’t understand why her parents were upset. These are girls who get not only a car for their birthday, they get any car they could ever want for their birthday. Yeah that is not spoiled at all is it? It is definitely a fun show to watch if you are ever bored and curious.

I am still distressing from this weekend at the festival. I was called by one of the executives from the organization I volunteer at because a civilian called and made a complaint about our service. Thankfully it was not one of my patients but I still had to write a narrative with what was going on at the time and what I observed. Suffice to say it was drama.

The rest of my day was a non-stop flurry of meetings from 7am until 5:30pm. So here I am relaxing on my couch just chilling and watching bad TV., but I feel like I am forgetting something. Oh yeah I am flying to Virginia tomorrow afternoon for 1 day and kinda like need to pack. Oops! No time to do laundry, double oops. Well suffice to say that I had to dig in extra deep into my closet but better I remembered today and not tomorrow.

I am going to finish packing and turn off this damn TV.

Egos and Ownership

This past weekend I volunteered to work a very large festival (122,000+ attendees) in a medical capacity. I work with the a volunteer organization who uses the cross as their symbol (wink wink nudge nudge). The way we work is to have a crew chief, someone who is in charge of all the care given in that station and all the personnel. Now keep in mind this is a volunteer organization and thus we don’t always have the most experienced or well trained individuals either working or more importantly leading. This one crew chief was abysmal. There was already a little friction because the medical care was divided among three organizations, FD, ambulance company and us. There was some jockeying over who has what ownership by the executives which in every other group stayed at the high level. At our level our crew chief was complaining to anyone who would listen that we were getting a bad rap. Ok, no worries, where this entry really is going is our primary mission. He let it affect our care with patients. He was so upset that when we wanted to consult higher trained individuals in other agencies he would decline unless they would take full ownership yeadda yadda yadaa. Oh it was ridiculous. This weekend was a test of all of our patience and fortitude as he lashed out randomly at all the volunteers. A police officer came in with some heat exhaustion and is being treated by his friend, our highest trained medical personnel in the station, but he needs to jump up and start running care for almost 35 minutes so we now have no chief. It just kept going on and on in one of the most stressful scenes I have been in for quite some time. To give you an idea our station with just under a dozen volunteers (3 being management) treated between 150-200 patients each day (Fri-Sun) in 11 hours per day. That is equivalent of an average of 2 patients an hour but of course we know this comes in waves not steady stream.

Here is where I am going besides just complaining. We read about all sorts of challenges between FD and PD in most cities because of top egos trickling down through the ranks. This is no different than FBI and local PD and all types of other examples. I can now officially say that this type of inter-agency fighting actually is a huge disservice to the patients. It does very much affect the level of service given and I think this is atrocious. You can be upset and mad at different politics but you never let that affect the care given to the public, just my lowly humble opinion.

I know some of you are in the medical field like me as a volunteer so some of the patients I treated this weekend were the following (as one of the senior medical trained and experienced I did get a bit more challenging cases). I was also primary for driving into the field with our golf cart ambulance and transporting back to base. Interesting when the fields are packed with people. Here is just a taste.

* 22 month child in severe seizures,

* 8 month pregnant woman severely heat exhausted and lost consciousness, caused overheating and tachycardia of the baby

* 25 year woman with sever cramping of all four extremities (unable to open hands or feet, curling)

* 32 year old woman who fell in the field (pothole), c-spine and torn knee

* Dozens and dozens of severely heat exhausted and dehydrated individuals

* A thousand and one slashes and cuts on the hand from the food service volunteers

* A million and one scrapes and cuts from people who fall in the dirt

Overall medically a challenging and a great experience to learn. From a management perspective a perfect opportunity to watch how not to lead.