My heart for your pain!

Seeing someone in pain is hard, seeing someone you care for in pain is harder, seeing someone you care for who happens to be a child in pain has got to be the hardest of them all. I talked briefly about a good friend of mine, whose son was diagnosed with Burkitt’s Lymphoma, a very aggressive type of cancer. We were all quite hopeful as it was caught early and thus was classified as stage one. After 4 weeks of chemo therapy the growth has re-emerged and due to his lack of reaction to chemo, they have upgraded his status of stage 3.

Let me tell you a little something about Ben. Ben is one of the nicest kids I know. Plays with his younger brother and has an unbelievable attitude. Even in the most intense pain he can still tell these absolutely terrible one-line jokes that just make you groan (can you name 30 one line cow jokes? Well Ben can). He has been such a fighter through this whole ideal keeping such a positive and great attitude. It breaks your heart. Walking out of the hospital when he was first being diagnosed I felt this intense pain in my chest. The memories of Caitlin came streaming back. What we wouldn’t do to take away any amount of the pain from these children. We complain (and yes I am just as guilty) about being home sick with a bad cough or a fever, and yet these heroes lose have poison directly injected into their bloodstream, lose their hair and they are the first ones to smile and welcome each new day. How much we could learn from them, and how much it hurts to see them in pain. Ben keep fighting! We will do everything we can for you, please keep fighting!!

And then there is his family. Oh how hard it most be for his parents. I could not even imagine what it must be like to see so much pain in my own family and being able to do nothing about it. At times like this we try to turn to religion, but even that can’t help. We would give anything to take away some of this pain, and yet there is nothing we can do besides being supportive, helping the doctors, and making him as happy as possible.

Ben you are NOT alone, keep fighting, we are going to stick with you and you are going to beat this!

What’s up with Dat??

So I land in Dallas in a hotel without any working heat or hot water. Oh but that’s ok because I am in Texas, the desert right? NOT! It is 40 degrees and raining out here. Man what is it with the weather the past few weeks. Hail and massive rain storms in CA, freezing in Texas, Snow storms in the east coast and unbelievable hurricanes in Florida earlier in the season. Craziness. Hey maybe there is something to this global warming thing.

By the way to all my avid fans, after an exhaustive search spanning multiple states, time zones, and friends, I was finally able to find my voice. It was in Texas the entire time, go figure. It is a little tender from the travel, but is still in one piece. Yipee!!

Who needs a voice?

Well I am officially speechless. No I am not choked up by the latest Jennifer Lopez movie or by the latest new report from the snowed in East Coast. It is nothing so heroic, just a simple sickness that has stricken me of my voice. While this would normally not upset me to a huge degree, besides the fact that I love the sound of my own voice, I am supposed to give a talk at a convention in Dallas on Monday morning. My first talk in this new job. In the wise words of Buddah, This Sucks! I am now trying every home remedy from lots of tea with honey (I like this one), lots of OJ (not so bad), and gargling salt water (first I had to learn to gargle, what can I say I lived a deprived life). But now the only real thing I can do is keep my mouth shut and try to save my voice as much as possible for Monday. For all you friends and family who have tried calling me this weekend, this is why I have been unwilling to pick up my phone, trust me it is not personal. Well except for one of you. Ok calm down, that is my limit of humor for the day.

I would also like to make a special recognition to my cousin who is right now living out a real-life Titanic like story in the middle of the Pacific. She is college student who is doing what is called a semester at sea. This program is for college students to spend six months on a cruise ship touring the world by sea while learning in on-board classrooms. The semester had just started with the cruise ship leaving Vancouver on its way to Korea. Well mother nature has been busy this past month with Tsunamis, earthquakes, hail in CA, incredible snow on the east coast, and unbelievable waves in the Pacific. Their ship, the MV Explorer was hit by multiple 50ft waves which disabled 3 of the 4 engines, ALL onboard communication and a whole slew of other mechanical functions. Coast guard cutters from Alaska and CA have been dispatched while the ship is limping toward Hawaii. It is expected to make landfall on Feb 1^st if all goes well. You can read all about it at (http://www.semesteratsea.com/voyages/spring2005/index.html). To all the students who are living one hell of an adventure, hang in there, you too L.S.

What’s mine is yours, but is it the same?

Since moving to CA many of you know that I have been privileged enough to go out with some unbelievable women. Women who have opened up part of their lives to me as I have tried to open myself to them. Many of them of them have children from earlier relationships, kids I have met, played with, and developed my own relationships with. These moms have made unbelievable sacrifices for their kids and having just the most impressive personalities to support the lifestyle of being a single mom. But that is not the purpose of this entry.

I always knew when I grew up that I wanted a family. How many times growing up would I throw in my parents face then when I have kids I wouldn’t do this to them! So I knew that someday I would have a family. But someone asked me an interesting question the other day, does it make a difference if they are your kids or kids through marriage? You know that threw me for a loop, because I don’t think I ever really thought about it. A good friend and colleague of mine has been in a relationship for a number of years, and his girl friend brought a teenager to that relationship. Since they live together he treats her as his own child, but there is always this line where mom has the final say, because after all it is her child. He has an idea of how he wants to parent, and even though they talk about it, it is not an even discussion, she gets final say. So in that case yes I would absolutely say it matters.

But then I have another friend (no I really don’t have that many friends, it just seems that way), and he went into a relationship very similar to the one mentioned above, but the daughter was very young. Once they got married it was truly like his daughter as well, and talking to him, he says that there are reminders when the biological father comes by and that gives pause, otherwise feels like his own daughter.

Its an interesting question because of course the real question is the person you are forming that relationship with (not the child) are they worth it. We meet and create relationships with so many people throughout our lives. Some last over the decades (thanks NP, CF, KK, and others) while others lightly float away only to be reminded of during quiet drinks or heavy reflection. But the ones, oh those ones that flip your heart every time you utter their name, or see their face, those are the ones. For those of you who have married that person, mazel tov. For all others, may we all be so lucky. So when you figure the answer to that question, does the source of that family really matter, or is it the family itself that is key.

Crossing the Line

Have you ever seen a comedian who just couldn’t stop talking? I know this seems kinda backwards but comedy is all about content and when to stop and when to pause. Well I saw a comedian who took every joke one step too far. Comedians can talk about lots of subjects that usually would not be funny as long as they don’t go too far. Cancer, death, racism, you know the light things in life, but when you go that one last step. Yeah not so funny anymore.

I felt very bad for this comedian I saw this weekend who was actually very good, he would get plenty of laughter during the joke. But either encouraged by the laughter or just oblivious he would always take it one more step and you would hear silence. No more laughter. You could hear the straw sucking on the coke in his glass when he took a pause. Yeah dude, that was the line, you crossed it 2 minutes ago. The sad part is he did it over and over and over and over, like a little energizer bunny, until blissfully it was not his time anymore.

So comedians out there, know when to stop when you are ahead. Ok public service done!

No Regrets

Sitting home watching a movie that I have been told by countless people and a very special person I must watch. It epitomizes the root of emotions, of selflessness, and caring beyond measure. Maybe that is why I love movies so much, they can hit you at just the right time when you needed to see something that helps you understand your own life. It’s a mirror that helps us to see what we just can not see without a little help, or maybe help us to see something we so desperately want to see but are simply too scared to approach. We are so wrapped up in our day that we don’t see the month, the year, the decade, or the life. What a gift it is to be able to experience what we sometimes only dream about in those dear moments when we can not remember. Sometimes there are things we need to let go of, it is hard, it hurts, but hey its life, and we wouldn’t have it any other way. But may we all live however short or long without a single regret, feeling confident in our actions, our past, ourselves.

You know it’s interesting we look at people in our lives and we want to emulate them, sometimes without regard for the type of person they are outside of the singular environment we know them in. But shouldn’t we hold our heroes to a higher standard? I have written at this very location how sometimes I regret the actions I have taken not because it goes against my values, but because they are directly in-line and sometimes that just isn’t the most fun. I have wondered what it would be like to not care as much. But then, something happens, and you look back and you say, I am perfectly happy with that. I don’t necessarily know who I am, but I of what I know, I am happy with. Look around you, good friends, good family, (both of which are so hard to find at times), good food, good work, good challenges, good obstacles, all of this makes life so much fun. So jump out off your couch, and take measure of what you have, who you are, or where you are going. If you don’t like, CHANGE IT! If you do like it, thank those who have helped along the road and keep on trucking! And most of all, never to be forgotten, No Regrets, Carpe Diem!

For those of you who wonder what movie I was watching, alone, in the dark, curled under a blanket on this quiet Sunday night. It is Meet Joe Black. Probably not the most monumental of movies ever made, but hit the right nerve at the right time. Have a good night.

Learning to Drive

Before I begin I would like to make a blanket apology to every parent who has ever had to teach their son, daughter, or family friend how to drive. It extends further if that lesson includes a manual car otherwise known as a ‘stick’. I had the pleasure of teaching a friend of mine how to drive a manual car.

Lets set the stage, I had a long, frustrating and at times aggravating day at work, however fear not it was the perfect day for I had yoga which never fails to put me in a zen like happy state. Not that I expected that happy state to extend too far into the driving lesson. I pick up S and we drive to my work’s parking lot. We start with the basic fundamentals, for lets face it, with a masters in mechanical engineering, this should be kids play to understand. Ok now lets ease it into first gear. STALL. No worries just a little more gas, no problem. Now lets ease it into first gear. LURCH LURCH LURCH. No problem you need to give it more gas. Now lets ease it into first gear. (engine) RACE RACE. Well you need to release the clutch while doing the gas. STALL. Mom, dad, I have so much respect for you!!

Truth be told after a couple of hours and a bit of a sore neck she started to get it. Like the rest of the world 2^nd, 3^rd, and 4^th gear are a dream. FYI, getting into 4^th gear in a small parking lot is not the ideal thing to do and not recommended, oops. So we decided to face the fear of public streets. The amount of fear I felt as a child learning to drive, 100 times worth as the passenger. Holding on to the oh-shit bar and trying to talk in a calm and reassuring voice. Slow down, SLOW DOWN, SLLLOOOWWW DOWWWNN!! (soothing) good. Now what did we learn from that? Well we made it home in one piece with one thing we need to learn, reverse. What was it my mom said “reverse is your friend, love it!”. Oh and the other thing we learned, S. isn’t planning on driving in SF anytime soon :-).

As for me, my nerves are doing ok, having survived with all pieces and parts of my body intact. Phew, lets just wait until I have kids to teach this skill again. At least then I can make them do the dishes at the end of the lesson.

Wear on you?

So I though things are supposed to get less exciting over time? Well so far the car has not yet started to wear on me. Waking up at 5:30am, and believe it or not it is cold out here in CA. Dressed for the gym in shorts and t-shirt which always makes sense when it is 50 degrees. I get into the car and immediately turn on the seat warmers and set the internal climate control to a cozy 72 degrees. A few short minutes later I am nice and toasty warm. Sometimes the simplest things in life are well just that simple. Who knew that having a warm bottom would be so nice, I guess babies have it right and we just train them out of what feels good.

So I had a debate with my father the other day. Is it better to be an adult or a kid? As an adult you have to all these like adult things like dealing with money, and houses, and cars. However as an adult you get all kinds of fun toys, ipods, nice cars, and even an apartment. As a kid none of the harsh realities of life, and life is so much more simple. As my father said, but the dating life is better as an adult, personally I beg to differ, better as a college kid. So what do you think, better as a kid or an adult?

Now say it with me again, ahhhhhhh.... 

Come on say it with me, ohhhhhhh. 

Celebrate Good times—Come’ On!

After months of planning, weeks of searching and hours of researching and driving I am the proud owner of a new car!! Ok so not really a car, rather an SUV, but hey it still works. When I paid the check there is always that feeling of am I doing the right thing? This is a lot of money to be spending? And then you drive it off the lot, and DAMN! This is a fun ride! Ok so now I know you all want to know what I bought. It is a 1999, Lexus RX300. Let me tell you if you have not driven in it, it is a nice ride! I drove the entire way home rocking out on the steering wheel (if you don’t know what that is, ask your kids). Phew, so exciting! This is why I didn’t go to work and do all the things I was hoping to do. Oh well it was a good excuse.

Many of you also know I recently took my GMATs, (remember testing from hell just a couple of weeks ago). Well although I got my results for the math and verbal immediately, which I was pleased with not overjoyed with, I just got the scores for my essays. Suffice to say I am ecstatic. I received the highest score possible, so let this be a lesson to all of you….blogging pays off!! Well not really sure if it was the reason but we can thank Blogspot for my success, why not.

Other than that life is exciting with a new job, and new car, and new friends (you know who you are). Lots to be thankful for right now. Not I just need to see if I can give back a little, too much good luck is kinda scary. But for now I am just going to sit on my couch pretty damn excited and happy.

The pit in the stomach

No I am not starving in sympathy for those in Indonesia (although not a bad idea), my dearest and closest companion is the source of that pit. Yes my computer had to receive mouth to mouth resuscitation and has barely survived the ordeal. On Tuesday of this week through promiscuous conversations on email, or quarantined web sites, my computer received the flu. For every sneeze the poor thing would lock up, for every cough it would blue screen and the fever caused data files to become corrupted. Alas not a good thing from start to finish. A full wide down of the hard drive taking 12 hours (not including reinstalling all the applications), fixed the cough and sneezing, but failed to bring down that fever. Open heart surgery that replaced the system board was required to finally cleanse my friend and bring her back to me. Ok all you people who think I am crazy, think about it. Who else is always with you on those wet and cold Friday nights when you are home watching movies curled up on your couch? Who is always (or at least usually) willing to respond to your every command? I mean come on, can’t that be used to define your friend? Yeah I didn’t think so either, but it made for some interesting analogies.

Ahh the joy of having a job I can sink my teeth into again. Yes I have more work that can be handled in an 8 hour day, but it is new and exciting and fun. So I am stoked. Stay tuned for future updates.

For those still wondering about the car, alas I have not found the car that has screamed my name yet (if I keep waiting for that I might be waiting for awhile). I drove the Honda CRV and boy what a boring car that is. The Toyota RAV-4, really didn’t do anything for me either. So now back to the drawing board and try driving a couple of others this weekend. I know I know I need to make a decision soon, thankfully soon is a relative value.

The Fear of a new job

One of the greatest fears besides not having a job is starting a new one. The great part though is that this fear is what drives us to excel and grow. What fear would I be referring to? No it is not the concern of being lost attempting to find the bathroom (very much not a problem for my new location, I am located 4ft from the entrance). It is not the concern of having to find a new personal parking space. It is honestly thinking you are not sure how to do the job you have been hired to do. When you sit in meetings and listen to the conversation or talk with co-workers and it feels like every word is going right over your head. The good news is that there has not been a single job in my life, besides maybe working at a fast food restaurant or mowing lawns, where this was not felt. This is what inspires us to stretch ourselves and grow. So yes I started my new job on Monday and like any group that is overworked and understaffed, had a steady stream of requests and work flowing my way. This is more exciting than not as for the past 9+ months my mind has atrophied with lack of work and challenge. So to the new job and the struggle for survival for the first few months, THREE CHEERS!

I would also like to help anyone who has not watched the news for the past week or so. Yes sunny warm CA has been inundated with more precipitation in the past three weeks than all of last year, getting close to two years. Yes it has rained every day since before Christmas. Midwest people don’t feel too smug, it still hasn’t snowed along the coast.

Defining moments

There are those moments in our life that we can remember as clearly as they were yesterday. We know exactly what the weather was like, how the air smelled, and exactly what we were doing. For some it is major events such as when JFK was shot, when we first declared war on Iraq, or even as recently as September 11^th. But there are other moments. Moments that are sacred only to ourselves and maybe one or two of our closest friends or relatives. These are our memories, ones that we rarely share with others. After all these years they can still cause us to squirm with the willies, or choke up trying to hold back the tears. But this is also what makes us who we are as a species, one that learns from past events and helps define who we are (the eternal question of course).

It is two weeks before Thanksgiving. I still remember walking along that sidewalk from school, kinda skipping, or kicking loose rocks but wanting to get home as quick as possible to get some cookies. There was a curve in the sidewalk right before my house and I take it on a short jog, and I see my mother sitting on the front steps. Her old blue jeans on, the ones she usually wears when doing housework or drudgery shopping. A glass of wine in her left hand and a glazed look as she stares without seeing the cars on our street. Oh she tries to put on a brave face when I come up the steps throwing my backpack down, but I know something is amiss. “Its about Kaitlin” I hear. Well over the past 11 months there have been lots of things Kaitlin, that wonderfully sweat girl of a tender age of 7 who was diagnosed with late stage Pancreatic cancer. With visits multiple times a month, I was getting used to the rollercoaster that encompasses that hateful disease of Cancer. The nausea, the balding, the weakness that is so strong that even the act of opening her eyelids would cause beads of sweat to form. She could not eat, but yet she was hungry. She could not sleep yet she was exhausted. But no this day was different than all the other days when I would try to comfort my mother, for this was to be the last such day when we would be getting updates.

The organ was on the left with a choir, her school choir. The wooden Jesus hanging on a cross looking down straight in front. A look of pained godliness on his face that he had no right to bare during this service, for what sins could be so egregious that a 7 year old had to pay the ultimate price. This was more than my juvenile mind could comprehend. But anger and pain resounded through my body. Was this the first time there was something that caused my mother such pain that she could not hold her emotions in public? Was my mother actually fallible?

It has taken many experiences later in life with all manner of accidents and diseases before I have started to drive the road of understanding and acceptance of things that are outside all of our hands. I will certainly train and do everything I can to stop that vengeful angel, but so much is outside of our hands. But yet on Friday I received a piece of advice that has become a major intersection on this road. Grave sickness and injury is a flare or signal to acknowledge, nay celebrate life. To recognize what one has, and enjoy it every day (thanks L.L.). So Ben, we are there with you, in that room with the beeps and the squiggly lines, and the curtains with the pastel colors, the pink/purple dishes, and the bed with hinges that squeak at the slightest movement. We will always be with you in that room or anywhere you might go! So fight the fight we know you will win, do not go gently into that sweet night. You are a fighter, and it will not take another victim in you, for you have the support of loved ones and friends. And you have love on your side. We are there with you Ben, every step of the way.

Its about believing

Oh the rollercoaster our emotions ride as they catapult our bodies through an endless cycle of twists and turns and of course drops. As many of my readers know I have been furiously studying for an unstudiable (new word, don’t try to look it up) test. Yes it is horror of horrors a standardized test for eventual entrance into world renowned business schools (or wherever the hell I get into). The day began long before the roosters crowed, or the newspaper delivered on his morning rounds out of the sunroof of his used Mercedes. I got up and attempted to feed the butterflies in my stomach some unsettling cereal before bundling myself up and facing the brutal CA winter (ok, may not be as bad as WI, but those rain drops can go right through you). With surprisingly little traffic I drove partly asleep to the testing center only to find I have now arrived 1 ½ hours early fully expecting the copious CA traffic that usually ravages our fair city. So as any good boy scout who is always prepared, I grabbed the book from my trunk and sat huddled in my use 325is BMW and read while listening to classical tunes hoping that a little Beethoven would enlighten the brain and get the blood coursing through my veins. If only it had succeeded. After 45 minutes and no longer able to feel my toes I went into the center (which of course was still closed) and took a place on the wall with two other pour souls who were furiously flipping pages in their notebook or textbook respectfully hoping to glean one more equation before the test. Upon the appointed hour we were finally allowed in, told to strip, well of our belongings not down to our skivvies (not that type of examination) and brought into a room with more cameras that Hugh Heffner’s house. Alas my poor readers I can not reveal what I saw on that hateful exam for I have signed in my own blood to that great testing center in the sky that upon pain of perjury, death or worst of all failure to receive my final grades I will not reveal what I saw on that flickering computer screen. I will say after 5 hours and a couple of rapid trips to the bathroom (fully timed by the computer to be 5 minutes or less if you please!!) I completed. Bathed in sweat (a picture only pretty to see in a bedroom or in a gym), and slightly dazed I stumbled out pleased with my results, although not as ecstatic as I might have hoped. Will those scores be good enough. How will my life be decided? I don't really know at this juncture, but the train has left the station and it feels great to be on the tracks again.

The rest of the day has been but a blur until just recently. My director, well let me tell you a little something about CF. CF first hired me into my job. When the rest of the company was going through layoffs she fought to keep me and indeed she succeeded against the evil forces of HR and Finance. She is a mentor and a good friend, always looking out for her employees long after they have left her side. I was rocked as many of my peers were when we found out her 6 year old son had a cancerous lump in the back of his throat. There is nothing more than can be said except that all of our prayers, thoughts, and minds are with her and her family at this time. May the sun continue to shine upon you through this dark time and allow you to emerge unscathed on the other side. God bless you.

P.S. To all GMAT officials this entry is not guaranteed to have proper grammar, verb agreement, or sentence structure. I know it kills you to read such, but alas you will have to deal with it. Even if it means ending my sentences with a preposition!