Ouch!

Can I just vent for a second. Keep in mind this is up to the minute and a little raw so without all the thought and reflection that time provides. I went on a date last week with someone whom I met on-line. We had traded numerous emails and there was at least enough that it seemed appropriate to have dinner. Dinner happened and I like to think it went well, it seemed to without awkward pauses, and time just tended to fly.

You all see where this is going. Yup, email today that we didn’t have chemistry. Now first I completely respect that and understand where that comes from, no question about it. On the other hand it is still just a little painful every time you hear it, especially since I thought she was pretty cool. It is a complete buzz kill to what has been otherwise a Great day! But like a balloon with a massive hole in the side, this just kind of runs the day down. Damn!

As they say, oh well, back to the drawing (or internet) boards.

Relax, Don’t do it, Relax (repeat)

What a wonderful way to spend a day. Wake up early in the morning (force of habit what can I say) stumble to the couch where I fall asleep for another hour or two. Wake up, without moving, turn on the telly and see what mind numbing shows are on. Around 10am dress straight into a swimsuit and crawl my way down to the pool. Apply sunscreen and fall asleep in the lounge chair. Eventually wake up, do some laps, turn on ipod and read book by side of pool. Next friends and myself run to Chipotle for lunch (in swimsuits and bare feet, thankfully not McDonalds rules). Get back, eat food to be followed by an afternoon nap. One last swim before heading back upstairs to grill out on my balcony followed by a little more telly. I have to say the only thing I think I accomplished the entire day was my laundry (which is no small feat let me tell you). Frankly I think I might have slept a bit too much, but man did it feel GREAT!

At a comedy club on Sunday one comic was illustrating how golf started as a game to get Scottish men away from their wives for a few hours. They purposefully made the game as strange as possible so the woman would respond to invitations that it was a silly waste of time. 18 holes correspond to the 18 shots in a whisky bottle. Even the name shows its origins, Golf=Gentleman Only Ladies Forbidden. Now ladies no throwing virtual stones at me (or real ones for that matter) I am only repeating the comedian, but I did find it quite humorous (ignore for the moment that I know numerous people of the fairer sex who could kick my butt in golf).

Today is probably going to be a crazy hectic day so I think I need to get back to it, more to follow later.

De-Nerdify Me Please

Friday before a holiday weekend, the last place any of us wants to be is at work. Even less to stay late at work. Well I was doing a personal favor for a friend and helping format a new hard drive and install Windows. Starting the process (upon receiving the laptop) at 4:00pm met with immediate chagrin. This process will take multiple hours and please do not tell me I am going to stay at work, alone, until the process is done. It’s a good thing those designers at IBM decided to put batteries inside those laptops. So here I am driving home on 237, with a laptop beside me in the passenger seat calmly proceeding with the installation. With every beep I would proceed to enter proper information and enter into the next step. So lets summarize, me, Matthew driving home installing Windows on a laptop. Can I become any more nerdy if I try? I think not.

Switching subjects, it is a holiday weekend and as such no commitments no obligations just good ol’ fashion days off. So what would someone do if they have no responsibilities? Absolutely nothing! Between two de-stressing walks outside, finishing Stiff (the book), and watching a couple of movies. Yes I love action and killer movies, but tonight was Polyanna followed by Parent Trap. Ok how many sappy movies can one watch on a Saturday night? Well apparently at least a few. But that is what days off are for.

Truth be told I am a little disappointed, this weekend was supposed to be spent elsewhere. United Airlines was gracious enough to give me a gift as part of a promotion of a free flight anywhere in the country for flying 150,000 miles last year. The certificate was delivered halfway through April and I had until end of May to redeem it. The trip had to be flown prior to June 11^th. If you think this sounds a little rigid, you guessed right, but it gets better. So I decided spur of the moment lets take this holiday weekend and go to Florida and visit a good friend. Tried to book on United, there were no seats left allowable for this fare. So I figure maybe its just the weekend, how about anytime from now until June 11? Nope not a single flight from now until then would they allow me to fly. On behalf of a 100,000 mile flyer, I would like to thank you for being so generous to your top customers. You generosity knows no bound, although pathetic and going broke faster than a bat out of hell does come to mind. Its bad enough you are treating your own employees like the carpet laid so gently down by the gate, to be treaded on by thousands, but now you are treating your customers the same way. You keep this up, and companies such as mine will be forced to start thinking about other options for preferred carriers. Wise up United, you are on a collision course (no pun intended) to the same course of Pan-Am and Eastern Airlines.

Changing subject once again (more of a random thought day than usual), just wanted to give a quick word of thanks to my parents. Yes I know it is neither mother’s day, father’s day, parent’s day, birthday or any other special occasion, but having spent more than a few hours chatting with them on the phone or lovely text messaging, they can always make me smile (which is not altogether easy at 5am). Talking with another who is going through a rough spot and whose parents and family in general is actually making it worse, makes me all the more thankful for my family who not may not always agree with decisions made by my sister and I, is at least respectful of who we are. So thanks to you both, we are both lucky to have you around.

These two girls had to give a hug to each one of us since their little tushi matched our shirts. FYI, they knew I took this picture. 

If you have ever seen Office Space this should look familiar. Keep in mind TPS reports! 

Can't have a run without a Pope-mobile. Here we see the pop-mobile with a scantily clad woman riding. I would say sacreligious, but then again drunk and nude probably go further than a pope likeness. 

Yap Yap Yap

Some people ask why I don’t call them as often as they feel I could or should. There is the old joke of the Jewish mother who tells her son that she hasn’t eaten in 45 days. He asks why on earth would she not eat for 45 days. She answers she wouldn’t want to be eating when he called. (insert laughter here)

Well I like to think I am not horrible returning phone calls but maybe I am. This is what I thought yesterday, and then I get my cell phone bill today. Last month I spent 1146 minutes on my phone (that is 19.1 hours) and sent 192 text messages. That is a huge block of time on my mobile phone considering during business hours I am using my desk phone. So for anyone out there that feels I have not spent enough time with you on the phone, I sincerely apologize, but I got to tell you I feel like this thing is growing out of my ear! :-)

So I had another thought last night, it was a busy night for thinking, and that concerned dating. The more I think about it, dating, at least first dates, is like being in sales. You are trying to sell yourself to the person you are have coffee/meal/or dancing with. Would you disagree? You have of course the first impression where you spend at least between a couple of minutes to a couple of hours at the extreme planning what you will wear. Then you spent the next hour trying to demonstrate your personality more than just saying oh yeah I am fun, and caring, and kind, and generous. Sound more like a Boy Scout than a real person. In fact some of the best salesman are the best daters. Just something to think about here.a

Traffic

Traversing the California highways at 5am tend to lead to low traffic levels and a relaxing drive to an end location. However, when one forgets their cell phone and only realizes this after their workout, they are faced with a decision. It is now 7:30 am where traffic levels tend to pick up considerably. Does one go home to pick up said phone, or struggle through the day without the friend and confidant of a cell phone. Well knowing that my strongest relationship in life tends to be with my cell phone, you can imagine which one I chose.

So driving home I was faced with bumper to bumper traffic and a whole series of individuals late for their meetings and too lazy to actually wake up a little earlier. Tempers raise and horns blast as cars struggle through the heat and haze of the modern era. We all look enviously at the carpool lane, cursing politicians who feel that an empty lane for them (with their aids) alone was a good idea. How much different would traffic be if we could make use of that lane?

Wading through this tide, a 12 minute relaxing trip turns into a 45 minute white knuckle nail biting adventure. With little Asian women in massive SUVs, wearing their leather racing gloves (I kid you not on this) with face shields (because this is so much more fashionable than sun glasses) and talking on a cell phone, barreling into lane after lane without signaling or looking. Oh how I wish I was a police officer and could hand out tickets to these horrible and inconsiderate drivers. If you are going to cut me off, please do so with your turn signal.

Lesson learned from this experience. First a ton of these drivers really should not have a license and should be sent back to driver’s school. Second, continue to drive to work at 5am.

It’s just a movie

For the past maybe 4 months I couldn’t tell you when was the last time I went to see a movie in a move theater. I either got my recently released movies from Netflix (a great service if you haven’t tried it yet), or I see them on planes. Now any of you who have watched a movie on a plane know this is clearly not the ideal facilities for screening an action, drama, or comedy. With the guy falling asleep on your shoulder and snoring no less, or maybe it is just the kid behind you kicking your seat. With turbulence these old fashion tapes get scratched and damaged and thus the screen tends to flicker and wave, and yet this is where I am seeing these movies I have been quite excited to see.

So last night I bit the bullet, which sounds quite painful actually, and went to see The Interpreter. Now I anticipated this movie to be just your standard action packed thriller like The Fugitive, and yet it was so much different. Before I progress any further this is not an academy award winning film, do not expect some revelation to break through the clouds of your mind and shine with a sun that will dazzle your soul. However, Sean Penn and Nicole Kidman did an exceptional job of taking what should have been a no-brainer action movie and give it something many others miss, Heart. It addressed the subject for more than just a passing acknowledgment of loved ones being lost and the sorrow that accompanies it. In fact it is woven into every act every line throughout the movie like a cloud hanging over the characters just as I would imagine it would be in real life. The fact that I didn’t know how the movie would end was all the more fun as compared to other movies where you know virtually everything long before you even step foot into the old soda spill on the movie theater floor. If you are in the right mood, go ahead and check out that movie.

A final piece of news right now is that Ben is out of the hospital. Yes the bone marrow transplant has gone exceedingly well, with results surprising doctors and family alike. He officially moved out and was running around in the afternoon sun like any other 7 year old (well except for a respirator over his nose and mouth to prevent germs). So now he begins recovering at home, but it is not the hospital of which we are so thankful for. If you believe in G-d, thank him or her. If you do not, thank medical science, this is a good day!

Burn Baby Burn

What an unbelievably beautiful weekend we had here in glorious central California. Where the temperature is warm and the women even warmer. It was 90 degrees with a light wind that helped keep relatively cool as we relaxed by the pool or beach. Sunup was a relaxing 5:30am (not that any of us are awake on weekends to see this) and sundown is a leisurely 8pm, just about the time we are closing our grills from making some steaks and potatoes. What a great way to spend a weekend.

Now I can’t help it, I have at times snickered or even laughed to myself at some people who spend no less than 30 minutes applying suntan or sun block lotion to their body. They cover and recover every inch of their body with such precision that one needs to wonder if they are OC. Yet these are the same people with perfect tans and unblemished skin. I on the other hand will spend approximately 20-30 seconds applying sun tan lotion to the places on my body I can both see and reach and that includes the time it takes to take the top off the bottle. As such I have this absolutely wonderful leopard print sun burn on my body that is causing an inordinate amount of pain today. I have this great sash that starts at the shoulder blades (scapulas) proceeds between my breasts to the lower end of my stomach and then rings the lower part of the abdomen. My favorite is the burn on the left side that looks strangely like a hand print.

The only real problem is I did an outstanding job of protecting my face and head so to the public I look fine. They look at me with a perplex look when I collapse to the ground in pain when greeted with a hearty back slap.

But fear not everyone needs a good burn to begin the summer. A couple of lessons learned.

1. Trying to go to the gym and do squats with a major burn on the shoulders=bad idea
2. Wearing a hat in the sun is a really good idea.
3. A leopard print burn does not make you look sexy the next day

Flexibility

No this will not be about some sordid details of a sexual encounter; this is on a different manner of flexibility. Now I have talked before about my personality trait as a planner, someone who likes to know what lies ahead and able to coordinate. As of right now I was supposed to be flying to Chicago for a business trip, along with that share some time with my good friend from high school and even visit a school I am pondering attending for a master’s. Alas certain nameless director at my company who was more concerned with her own project than the people involved escalated the fact I would not be able to attend a two day workshop for her to my director. My priorities got reprioritized and thus I am home on this certain Sunday night. The interesting thing except for an initial disappointment I am good with this. Things come up all the time and we need to be flexible to those changes. I know a few close friends who have the flexibility of an iron bar. I think this is a class that should be taught in every school.

Last Friday I went to an Air Rescue Symposium for the main reason of obtaining CE (continuing education) credits needed for the recertification of my EMT license. In this seminar we were privileged enough to see the presentations of multiple surgeons and chiefs from Stanford Medical. Our last speaker was the Chief of Forensic Pathology, a kindly old gentleman with a slapstick sense of humor that belied his career. As the lights are dimmed and he flips through the slides of steadily increasingly gruesome scenes, scaffolding protruding from the eye, an open cranium showing the crushing from a sledgehammer, and even the wonders of a severely decomposed body. Yet for each slide there is some ‘oh dad’ joke that accompanies either the deceased or the method involved. None of this was out of disrespect, rather as a requirement to maintain a sense of center to allow for the continuation of work. I am reading a book called Stiff (thank you Katie for the recommendation) which explores the multiple ways a body is utilized post death. It is an eye opening experience (excuse the pun) and puts many things in perspective. Although initially the concept of a body farm to study body decomposition may be unpleasant especially when thinking either of our body or one of our family, but lets think about that in more detail. Once we are dead, it is just a body, a system of tubes and electrical cables. We leave no more legacy than what we have already accomplished and can help no more than however we might have through prior intellect, finances or labor. Yet if that same body could be used to help a single other life then would it not be worth it. By that same token should we have a say in what type of research our body is used for. Most would not argue against being used to help make a safer car to guard against side collisions or to actually transplant our organs to a needy child, but would we want our body to be used to prove that crucifixion is real? Or how about to test the effect of decomposition for months outside in the elements? Why not? This subject is riddled by opinions from religious leaders to philosophers, and I have my own belief it is neither sophisticated nor earth shattering.

I am dead, not like I am going to feel any pain, so why not. If as some religious leaders believe that I would not be allowed into heaven if my body is ‘violated’ post death, then what kind of G-d is it that would ignore a final altruistic act of a person. Would this be the G-d I want to believe in? So I have to pass on the religious excuse, what about the philosophical belief that my soul stays in my organs and would continue to feel emotions post death. While an interesting idea, would I feel any better buried in the ground slowly having larvae eat through my organs? I think not. If this entire entry has not revolted you, I highly encourage you run to the local library or book store and pick up Stiff by Mary Roach who has a wonderful sense of humor with some excellent research and history.

Faith

It all has to do with faith. Obviously the past few weeks were well a bit challenging. But coming out of it I have had such amazing support from close friends and family that I feel so lucky. To each and every one of you, thank you. If I did not express it enough, you are some of the greatest friends and I am luck to know all of you.

This leads me to the second item, the title of this entry, faith. We make thousands of decisions everyday that range from when to wake up to what we are going to eat and with what attitude we are going to face the day with. Will we ever know if those decisions are the right decisions or the wrong ones? Probably not, and if we do it will be for an incredibly small subset of those decisions. So we must have a belief in ourselves that we are making good decisions. If it was not for that belief that we would be rendered into a state a pure inaction, powerless to make any decisions. The remarkable thing is that things seem to work out somehow. Is it the upbringing from our parents helping us make those decisions? Or maybe the influence from our childhood friends? Or a combination of all of our family and friends? Either way something works to help us make these decisions and have faith in ourselves.

On a very positive note, the young man whom I have been talking about for the past few months with Burkitt’s Lymphoma is doing much better, well into the procedure for his bone marrow transplant. His health continues to improve, and although he is in protective isolation he continues to be energetic and upbeat (as any 7 year old should). So we keep praying for his continued health improvement but for now we are thrilled with the progress that he has made.

Bare to Breakers

It is that time of year again, time for San Francisco and indeed the entire bay area to bring out the craziest people out there and put them on a 7.2 mile race course. There are always in desperate need for medics to help oversee the race so I volunteered (of course) to help out. Now this day starts out at 3am when I wake up, pick up the guy who I am driving to the race and drive all the way to the city. This in and of itself is a challenge at 3am. Orientation, gearing up and all the usual volunteer work goes on before they finally bus us out to our locations. I was part of a three man mobile team that was to patrol between the last med station and the finish line.

Now this race is divided into two categories. The first category is the serious and semi-serious runners who actually want to run the race. The only medicals we get from them are dehydration and maybe the occasional chest pain for the more out of shape runners. This was no different than a normal race and was both routine and enjoyable especially with the large crowds. We had a couple of relatively simple calls, an extreme dehydration which actually caused a gentleman to get violent to caregivers. Strap that man on a gurney and put an IV in him. This race is a bit more special than most as it is tradition to wear costumes while running. These costumes many times are both original and many times quite sexy. Definitely a wonderful event to watch.

Then we get to the other category of the race. After the real runners we have the crashers. These are the people who did not register to run, but crashed the race somewhere in the middle. You can recognize them from either the lack of race number of the ample beer and other alcohol on their breath and in their hands. Virtually every runner has a keg within 20 ft that they use to constantly refill their cups with. These kegs are pulled in shopping carts, intricate floats, or sometimes the old fashion wheelbarrow. These drunks get into all sorts of fights, trauma (run into a tree or fall down) to everything else you can imagine. We approached one young lady with blood pouring from both knees and asked if she would like a band aid. She of course asks why, to which we point to her knees. Her response is then, ‘ whoa dude, I am bleeding’. Welcome to the next 4 hours of drunk folks. There is one more thing that we add to this picture. Bay to breakers is also known as Bare to Breakers, which is a reasonable size group of people (co-ed) that enjoy running this race naked. Personally I do not know what inspires someone to run 7.2 miles with their member hanging out for both all to see and of course to pick up everything that is going around, but they do. So lets think about this, public nudity, public intoxication, and a whole lot of people thinking as a mob not as individuals. Suffice to say we were both busy and amused at the same time.

As for my ACLS class, yes watch out, I somehow passed this class and am legally certified to dispense a couple dozen types of medication (not that I would ever carry them), and actually intubate a patient (how scary is that). But yes I passed and another milestone or hurdle accomplished. I will post pictures from the race very soon.

One last thing, men if your waist size is more than 40 inches we really don’t want to see you run naked (actually I don’t want to see it anytime), both men and women if you are over the age of 50, congrats for running, again we don’t want to see you naked.

Rhythm rhythms rhythms

Can you tell me the difference between Atrial Flutter and Sinus Bracardia, or please tell me the difference between Super Ventricle Tacardia and Monomorphic Tacardia?

I have my cardiac life support test on Friday and these rhythms are causing nightmares. I thought our teacher was kidding when he said we would soon be seeing these readouts in our sleep, oh how the mighty doth fall. I am indeed seeing these rhythms in my sleep and they all look the same! All I have to say is Asystole is very much my friend. What is Asystole you might ask? It is that wonderful flat line rhythm you usually see as someone is circling the drain. You treat it with Atropine, Epinephrine, Trascutaneaous pacing and Prayer. That I think I can handle. When I donate blood today maybe I will get one of the nurses to help me out.

Beyond that life is somewhat routine and that is not a complaint. It is nice not being on the road for a little while and having a time to do everything from going to the gym in the morning to actually cooking for yourself when you get home (yes boys and girls I have been cooking). This I am sure will be short lived as I think I have 4 or 5 more trips lined up before the end of July, but for now I am enjoying my time at home.

A medic a medic, my kingdom for a medic

Last Saturday there was a marathon bike race going on in San Jose. This was a bike race that was either 25, 50 or a whopping 100 miles. For many events like this the assistance of the local red cross is enlisted to provide medical support, and of course I am now volunteering to help them out. So this was my first event and it was definitely an interesting experience. As I work as a medic normally the longest I am ever with a patient is maybe 10-15 minutes before the fire department or ambulance shows up. With the red cross we could be treating a patient for up to an hour before we either release them or finally get the ambulance. Slightly different way of treating a patient. Well I will be doing it again this Sunday for the famous race Bay to Breakers or as it is known locally Bare to Breakers since many people tend to run in naked, yes completely naked. Ouch. Well the real ouch is because I have to show up in San Francisco at 4am, meaning I would have to leave my house a 3am, double ouch.

Other than that life is progressing normally. I am taking my test for my ACLS this Friday (Advanced Cardiac Life Support) and am so not ready for it. It consists of 18 heart rhythms as well as roughly 45 drugs their indications, contraindications, and dosage and some other minor things like intubations and stroke support. Suffice to say it is a lot to learn by Friday, but I am working on it. Wish me luck.

The summer schedule is lining up and as I am planning my travel I seem to have three trips back-to-back in Texas, why the heck are we picking Texas for our events. I mean nothing against the red-necks I mean nice guys down there, but can’t we pick someplace more fun, say Disneyworld? Well I guess I can get good barbecue. More on this later in the week.

Happy Mother’s Day

It is indeed Mother’s day (just in case you have missed it on tv, radio, newspaper, internet and on every street corner and bus stop). So make sure you wish your mother, grandmother, or friend who is a mother a great day. Do you realize the sacrifice our mom’s made for us? Many times giving up aspirations for higher careers or different jobs to raise us. I don’t know about you, but man was I a challenge as a kid (not that I have changed much). Constantly finding ways to test patience and the rules to see how far I could bend them before hitting the elastic barrier. But through it all, they stand by their children and support them. As Dickens wrote, in the best of times, in the worst of times, in the days of rich and poor. So make sure you call your mom, send her a pizza (sometimes better than flowers) and give a little credit to the single mom working a few feet away, it is a much harder job than the one giving you a paycheck.

I also have an apology to make. Last week umm there was events, and I don’t really want to go into it, however I realize that some of my frustrations so illustrated on this site made some of my friends and family concerned. First if you are reading this, none of the events in the week past reflect on you. I am actually very lucky that I have some of the greatest friends a guy could ask for (even if many of you are hundreds of miles away). I just not always the best judge of character. So thank you for your support as I crawled into a hole and slowly back out the other side.

Need I say more? Story of my life! 

Its all about trust.

I think a lot of last week was about trust, about believing in people and not wanting to be disappointed. It can be as simple as someone promising to call all the way to you put your career, health or your soul in someone else’s hands. When one person lets you down, you move on, when two do so you try to pass it off as a string of bad times. When a large number do so to disastrous results in a short period of time, you begin to question your own abilities to judge people not to mention what that says about you. I do like to believe in people, I like to believe that someone’s word is their bond. But at what point do you have to begin to be a cynic?

How many times a day do we say things as trivial as I will call you later when you are talking to a good friend, or tell a co-worker you will email them later? Twice a day, a dozen times a day? How many times do we follow-up and actually do it? We say it like people ask how are you doing, and the only acceptable answer is fine. So should we not believe people? But wait when it is really important that is when we should trust people. So what is the difference and how can you tell?

It is about trust, and a powerful thing it is. It can really point to where the difference is between acquaintances, strangers and real friends. This week showed me that.

A thought a mere thought

This week has been a roller coaster of emotions and events. As I walk alone down the strip I am surrounded by strippers, hookers, players, and pimps, greed, anger, lust, and envy, gluttony, and worst of all arrogance and cruelty. How can we not be disheartened with what we see? How can we be faced with such overwhelming events of the past week and not just want to give up, to refuse to continue?

But yet call me a sucker, and I still don’t understand how, but I still believe in true love. I fear it to be a gift reserved for special few, but I do still believe in it. I believe in it even as it is not shining, and I will not go gently into that sweet night, but will rage rage against the dying of the night (yes I know it to be light, but this is more appropriate)

As for me, I am coming to grip with who I am. Not always liking who I am well that will probably last for a while to come. I do not think I can change myself for that is who I am, but I am slowly coming to grips with it. I think I will focus more on work that anything else, that at least has the ability to not hurt so much. Now if only I could get my brain to shut up for a few minutes so I could actually sleep for once this week.

Hey world, you win!

If this is the year of self realization when ignorance is fucking bliss. I hate the fact that I can’t be like everyone else. Why can’t I backstab co-workers, pretend to be friends and sleep with random women who are so damn drunk they have no idea what they are doing and leave them to recover in the hallway of an anonymous hotel? It seems to be what everyone else does, even outside of Vegas. I am sick of being everyone’s brother and the ‘nice’ guy every married or 50 some woman loves. I am sick of being the one that is kicked in the street spit on and then comes back the next day like a nice little puppy dog and says please sir, can I have some more.

I realize this is all one big game, and hey I am going to say this in a loud voice. Hey world—YOU WIN! I give up, I capitulate, I kneel, I surrender. I can not play the game, and I refuse to keep getting kicked in the teeth. I thought this morning, hey maybe yesterday was a fluke, maybe what has happened for the past week, was just some random weird thing in the stars. Hey guess what? NOT! Fool me once, shame on you, fool me four times, Fuck me!

I am who I am, and although that face in the mirror is not what I like, the body not what I desire, and the mind one that will not shut up be it after 2 drinks or 12. It is me, and there is no changing it. I have been told that there is nothing more rewarding than doing for others, and I will not lie it does feel good to help others. It does not make up for all else.

Raynboe, thank you for the drink tonight, you were the highlight of the night with that one selfless act. D.D, S.N, P.D, I.F., J.R., O.A, K.A, D.S, to name a few, thank you for spitting on me. I absolutely loved it. Oh and that one random chick out there who decided it would be fun to mess with my head, god bless you.

So tomorrow I will wake up, I will go to work and I will be who I am. Oh but I look in the mirror and I respect myself, yes, but I don’t really like myself.

Why?

Why can’t I be like everyone else?

Why can’t I stop being mr.dependable, mr. normal, and mr. boring?

Why do I always act the mature way?

Why can’t I act my own age rather than the age of 34 which everyone thinks I am?

Why can’t I be more like everyone else?

Why must I always be the one calling and making arrangement?

Why am I the last one you call for fun?

Why am I different?

Fuck it

Betrayal, arrogance, emotions, haughtiness, audacity, conceit.....hurt

God damn birthday, fuck it all

Dating Hierarchy

As I have mentioned prior I am in Vegas and have been blessed to make a couple of observations. Although haven enjoyed a few of the local cocktails and thus not completely unencumbered I will try to relate observations as clearly as possible, and more likely more clearly than I usually do.

Having spent a number of hours poolside today I re-learned a few things that I have forgotten. One that marriage vows and oaths are somehow forgotten or excused when in Nevada. Women clearly married, in fact even heard talking to said spouse on phone will see the closest muscle enhanced jock nearby, determine he is much more yummy than previously mentioned husband, and thus allowable for random make-out session. If this was an isolated incident or one of very few this could be explained as random behavior or exceptions. Alas this appeared more often than can be justified as exceptions. Very disappointing.

The second is something I should remember from high school. Very attractive women have want for nothing. These women in their cute little mini-skirts and halter tops with wide open rears are in such a state that they pay for no drinks, never lack for attention and could open door nearby. Does this sound like a bit of jealousy mixed in with disbelief? Absolutely.

Now we move later in the day. There are lots of cities where it is both easy and appealing to attend by oneself. Where one can enjoy the time to contemplate life’s meanings and ones purpose in life. Vegas is not one of those places. Going to a bar or a club by oneself sucks simply for the fact you stick out like a sore thumb. I have never been one to go to a bar and somehow make friends with every random girl or guy, I have friends that can and I admire them enormously. Somehow that is not me. I think I will just have to deal with that. I think that is all for tonight, I think it is time for me to just hit the bed.